IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some businesses prohibit smoking in any of their offices. Some governments have banned smoking in all public places. Do you agree or disagree that this is the right course of action? Give reasons for your opinion

#businesses #offices #governments #places #right #course #action
Smoking is a bad habit which put a negative effect on the person's health.
As a result
, few companies do not allow workers to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
smoke
 inside the workplaces and some authorities
also
 banned smoking in common areas.
This
 essay will discuss my agreement viewpoints in the upcoming paragraphs
along with
 my opinion. To initiate, lighten up the cigarette inside the office, greatly affect the environment and can cause air pollution, to move forward ,other employees can become passive smokers by inhalation
smoke
 in the air,which leads to breathing difficulties and end up with asthma and lung diseases.
For instance
, research has been conducted in the hospital of Delhi, which showed 90% of the patients were
initially
 diagnosed with asthma
due to
 second-hand
smoke
 and few of them are suffering from
last
-stage
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
lung cancer.
Moreover
, the government played a crucial role
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 elevating the risk of developing
smoking- related
Correct your spelling
smoking-related
show examples
 illnesses by completely
ban on
Wrong verb form
banning
show examples
 cigarettes
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 public premises.First of all, it will help to reduce the incidence of mortality and morbidity rate which is caused by smoking.
secondly
Capitalize word
Secondly
show examples
, a complete ban on
smoke
 can aid in making the environment less pollutant.
For example
, a study was completed by scientists
last
 year in specific areas, where smoking was banned,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
 result showed
,
Correct word choice
that, environment
show examples
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 was less pollutant as compared to other areas where smoking was not banned permanently.
Overall
, my point of view is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the prohibition of smoking in
working places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
 and a ban on using
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cigarettes in public premises can improve the health of the people
as well as
 reduce air pollution.
Submitted by kaursandeep1145 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on improving the cohesion between sentences and paragraphs; use more linking words and phrases to make transitions smoother.
task achievement
Make sure to provide more comprehensive ideas with clear elaboration and make your arguments stronger by incorporating precise examples and evidence.
task achievement
The essay addresses all parts of the task and provides relevant examples to support the main points.
coherence cohesion
A clear introduction and conclusion are present, helping to structure the essay logically.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • secondhand smoke
  • respiratory diseases
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • workplace productivity
  • illness-related absences
  • environmental pollution
  • discarded cigarette butts
  • economic considerations
  • healthcare costs
  • de-normalize tobacco use
  • smoke-free culture
  • initiation of smoking
  • duty of care
  • public health policy
  • healthier employees
What to do next:
Look at other essays: