Nowadays. Children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some think these activities are not beneficial for a child's mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Technology has numerous benefits,
however
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, excessive use of it can lead to chronic health conditions, particularly in
younger
Add an article
the younger

The noun phrase younger generation seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
generation.
Therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, many people think that children should stay away from using these electronic gadgets,
moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, I completely agree that the use of gadgets
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as mobile phones, TVs and video games
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is

It seems that the verb are does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

show examples
harmful.
Firstly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, frequent use
if
Correct your spelling
of

The word if doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
electronic items can lead to impaired social skills. To be more specific, a child would spend prolonged hours at home
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

playing online or watching television, hindering the ability of face-to-face interaction.
Secondly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, excessive screen time could possibly result in mental disorders
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as depression and anxiety. In fact, WHO has found a correlation between screen time and increasing depression.
Lastly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, children tend to sit
at
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
one place for longer
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods

It seems that period may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
of time
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

watching or playing which promotes
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary

The noun phrase sedentary lifestyle seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
lifestyle. There are numerous downsides
doing
Change preposition
to doing

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
these activities,
however
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there are benefits as well.
To begin
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

with, watching TV can foster creativity.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, educational programs and informative channels can broaden
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
thinking and can lead to innovative ideas.
Additionally
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it enhances skills
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as multitasking and
decision- making
Correct your spelling
decision-making

The word decision- making seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

show examples
as one tends to make critical decisions
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

playing
onine
Correct your spelling
online

If you don’t want onine to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

. In conclusion,
usage
Correct article usage
the usage

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
of electronic devices
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has

It seems that the verb have does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

show examples
disadvantages
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as social isolation , mental issues and
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
lifestyle.
On the other
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

hand
Add a comma
hand,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase On the other hand. Consider adding a comma.

show examples
there are some advantages
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as increased creativity, multitasking and
decision- making
Correct your spelling
decision-making

The word decision- making seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

show examples
skills. Parents and teachers should monitor and limit the activities for the child's
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being

The word wellbeing doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure accuracy in your writing to avoid minor errors that can affect readability. For instance, 'if electronic items' should be 'of electronic items', and 'playing onine' should be 'playing online'.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or evidence to bolster your points. For instance, mentioning a specific educational program or game that enhances creativity or decision-making skills would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a clear structure, ensure that each point is fully developed before moving to the next. For example, discussing specific ways that watching TV can foster creativity before moving on would provide a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating smoother transitions between ideas. Phrases such as 'Moreover,' or 'Furthermore,' can help link sentences and paragraphs more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Try to maintain a balanced discussion that acknowledges the pros and cons equally. This balance will make your argument more nuanced and persuasive.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task, discussing both the benefits and disadvantages of children using electronic gadgets.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets the context for the essay, and the conclusion summarizes the main points well.
task achievement
Your use of specific terms and examples like 'depression and anxiety' and 'WHO' adds depth to your argument and shows a good grasp of the subject.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: