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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The graph shows the percentage of women working in 6 countries in 1960, 1970 and 1980. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting on th e main features and make comparisons where relevant

The graph shows the percentage of women working in 6 countries in 1960, 1970 and 1980. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting on th e main features and make comparisons where relevant
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The chart demonstrates the proportion of female students enrolling into colleges after passing out from their schools in Canada, Germany, Japan, the
UK
Use synonyms
, and the USA in the years 1970 and 2005.
Overall
Linking Words
, it
can be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 clear that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Canada exhibited a stable
proportipon
Correct your spelling
proportion
 of
school-leavers
Correct your spelling
school leavers
show examples
enrolling
into
Change preposition
on
show examples
further
Linking Words
 studies for both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
years.
However
Linking Words
, Japanese students' promotion to
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 level of education was the least in the period. In the
year
Use synonyms
 1970, about 35% of the school passed-outs were about to acquire higher studies in the
UK
Use synonyms
whereas
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 proportion was raised by 5% in America in the
year
Use synonyms
 1970.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in Germany, half of the school-leavers were going to pursue their
further
Linking Words
 level of education,
in contrast
Linking Words
, in Japan, only 20% of pupils got admitted into the next course after their school.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Canadian students who got admission
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 higher education were three times that of
japanese
Change the capitalization
Japanese
show examples
. And of course, their proportion was stable even for the
year
Use synonyms
 2005.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, for the
year
Use synonyms
 2005, the admissions were almost doubled in the
UK
Use synonyms
 and Japan. By
this
Linking Words
 increment, the
UK
Use synonyms
's higher school admissions were identical to
Canada
Change noun form
Canada's
show examples
. The enrollments in the USA
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased by 20%
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
equals
Wrong verb form
equal
show examples
Germany
Change preposition
to Germany
show examples
, whose admissions were 5% augmented than in 1970.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words uk, year with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stable" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment rate
  • percentage
  • decade
  • increase/decrease
  • compare/contrast
  • significant
  • socio-economic factors
  • progressive
  • minimal changes
  • hypothesize
  • global developments
  • regional developments
  • influence
  • trend analysis
  • workforce participation
  • historical context
  • labor market
  • gender gap
  • employment policies
  • cultural norms
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