IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think that one of the developments outweigh the disadvantage?

#countries #people #work #move #friends #families #developments
Getting a high salary to make your loved ones become wealthy and healthy is highly listed in our life competition in the 21st century. One says just being with
them
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 who
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 working is
factor
Add an article
a factor
the factor
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 of happiness,
while
 the other thinks everything is based on money. My father started working
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 mining a year ago. Before that time, we were not capable
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 using
kinds
Correct article usage
the kinds
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 of stuff we wanted, following the result of poverty which is just the meaning of Mongolian average
weigat
Correct your spelling
weight
. When
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 needed to fund money for my school or essential circumstances, used to be afraid to say it to my family who
is
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 trying their best
tor
Correct your spelling
for
show examples
 me. One day, time my father went off from
airport
Add an article
the airport
show examples
 to OYU TOLGOl, we did not worry about
such
 materialic things. My parents got
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to make their children accessible for learning, entertaining, and not
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
worrying.
However
, perfection doesn't exist in the world. We siblings unfortunately started missing our dad who was supporting us from far
way
Correct your spelling
away
show examples
 feeling inside my heart and mom secretly too. Even though it happened, we knew there
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 always a way to solve any problem. We always
making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 video
call
Fix the agreement mistake
calls
show examples
 on internet platforms,
talking
Wrong verb form
talk
show examples
 about new stories
happened
Correct pronoun usage
that happened
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 to us and
sending
Wrong verb form
send
show examples
 glorious
gift
Fix the agreement mistake
gifts
show examples
 to each other. We learnt to feel
side
Add an article
the side
show examples
 of loneliness Now we are used to living in
this
 life already because we know what it is for and it will not continue eternally. It’s for my future, meant to be there.
Submitted by sodoo on

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introduction conclusion present
The essay lacks a proper introduction and a conclusion that summarizes your main points. Try to establish a clear structure with an introductory paragraph, body paragraphs, and a concluding paragraph.
clear comprehensive ideas
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasing ('One says just being with them who is working is factor of happiness.'), which could be improved for clearer expression. Consider proofreading your work or using grammar-check tools.
supported main points
Expand on your ideas and provide more examples to support your claims. For instance, detail more about how relocating for work has both positive and negative impacts based on personal or observed experiences.
relevant specific examples
You've provided a clear, personal example of how relocating for work has affected your family, which makes your argument relatable and engaging.
complete response
Your essay touches on both perspectives of the debate: emotional well-being versus financial stability. This demonstrates a balanced view on the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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