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Band 4

The barchart below shows the total number of minutes (in billions) of telephone calls in Australia, divided into three categories, from 2001- 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

#barchart #minutes #billions #telephone #australia #three #categories #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The bar chart illustrates the duration of local, national
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
international and mobile calls that
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 taken in Australia
within
Change preposition
from
show examples
 2001 to 2008.
Overall
,
while
 more
time
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 spent on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
local calls, the lowest
time
 was used
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 mobile calls.
Although
 the demand for
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both national-international conversations and mobile calls depicted
and
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 increasing trend , that of local calls fluctuated. A glance at the bar chart reveals that, in 2001 mobile phone usage was not much popular and only 2
billion
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
minutes
 were spent on it. By the way, for the next 4
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
 mobile phone usage increased slightly and raised to 12
billion
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
 in 2005. Since
there
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
,the demand
was
Verb problem
has
show examples
 elevated significantly and
finally
 by 2008 , 46
billion
minutes
 were consumed for mobile phone calls.
Besides
, in means of national and international calls in 2001, it used a considerable
time
 of 38
billion
minutes
 and after
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
 usage eventually in 2008 it was demanded up to 61
billion
minutes
.
On the other hand
, local calls, which was the highest
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
each year, used 72
billion
minutes
 in 2008,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 was twice
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the amount of
time
 which was the second largest call type in 2008. It reported a peak value of 90
billion
minutes
 in 2005, after accounting
78
Change preposition
for 78
show examples
, 85 and 89 in 2002 ,2003 and 2004 respectively.
Similarly
, for the next three consecutive years, local calls utilized
time
 which
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 similar to the
time
 used in 2003 2002 and 2001.
Submitted by oriexam6 on

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coherence cohesion
Include a clearer introduction and conclusion to enhance the essay's structure.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical flow between paragraphs to improve coherence.
task achievement
Ensure accurate use of tenses and subject-verb agreement for better clarity.
task achievement
The essay provides a good summary of the data presented in the bar chart.
task achievement
The main features and trends were identified and supported with specific examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical sequence in presenting the data.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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