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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays many people have access to computers and a large number of children enjoy playing video games. What are the advantages and disadvantages of playing video games for children? (Band 8,5)

#people #access #computers #children #video #games #band
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These days,It is becoming more and more popular for people to have
computers
 in their house.
Moreover
,there is no doubt that
children
 are so keen on
palying
Correct your spelling
playing
 with
video
games
.Clearly,there are a considerable number of advantages and disadvantages
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having
computers
 and
palying
Correct your spelling
playing
games
 with them for
children
.In
this
 essay,I will address some benefits and drawbacks of using computer
games
 for kids. Let's begin by looking at some merits of playing
video
games
 for youngsters.As a matter of
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 playing
video
games
 causes
children
learn
Add the particle
to learn
show examples
 how to compete with their friends in a match.
That is
 to say,not only can kids be encouraged to compete or win in a competition,but
also
 they can be effected to
acheive
Correct your spelling
achieve
 more success in other parts of life
such
 as major,job and so on.Another striking pro is that playing
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
computer
games
 can be extremely amusing for them.It is true that some
children
 decide to take up a course after school in the summer.Take
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 classes as an example.
However
,they may need to be entertained with some digital
games
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
computers
. Turning to the other side of the argument,playing
video
games
 has a lot of various demerits.
For instance
,some
games
 might be so addictive for
children
 and they are probably interested in enjoying
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these
games
 for long hours per day.It is considered that a significant number of youngsters prefer to play with their
computers
 or even their mobile phones rather than going outside or spending
time
 with their family.Another notable disadvantage is that they may have less
time
 to do other activities like visiting their friends or doing their homework.Generally speaking,more and more
children
 are being overwhelmed by playing
games
 and they do
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 recognize their
time
 to do other plans.
To conclude
,despite the fact that
computers
 and
video
games
 might be practical for feeling completion and amusement,
It
Correct pronoun usage
They
show examples
also
 can be addictive and
time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
show examples
.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
To enhance your task response, make sure your examples are more detailed and specific. Right now, while the essay covers both advantages and disadvantages well, some examples could be more elaborative to add more depth to your points.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by eliminating minor inconsistencies in the use of articles and conjunctions. Make sure to maintain consistent spacing and avoid attaching words improperly (e.g., 'palying' instead of 'playing'). These small issues can carry an impact on the overall cohesion.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of playing video games for children, showing a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion clearly frame the discussion, providing a solid structure to the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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