IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Our telecommunications, health care and travel
systems
Use synonyms
 are based on electronic technology at present .
This
Linking Words
 dependence has created a grave condition .
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with
this
Linking Words
 opinion because of the
unemployment
Use synonyms
 it produces .
Furthermore
Linking Words
 , the chances for hacking into these
systems
Use synonyms
 are not impossible , which could put
every thing
Correct your spelling
everything
show examples
 at stake .
Firstly
Linking Words
 , the concern of
unemployment
Use synonyms
in
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 increasing currently because of the
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 in population .
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the higher number of educated youngsters compared to previous decades is
also
Linking Words
 a contributing factor .The current computer era has contributed to
this
Linking Words
unemployment
Use synonyms
 by reducing the need for manpower in every field where it is being used .
For Instance
Linking Words
, a huge number of people lost their jobs in Government telecommunication offices in India in the past few years
due to
Linking Words
computerisation
Correct article usage
the computerisation
show examples
 of the entire system . So many travel offices
also
Linking Words
 had the same faith .
For example
Linking Words
, a decade back travel and tourism offices used
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
be filled with employees
where as
Correct your spelling
whereas
show examples
 now it has only
few
Change the article
a few
show examples
 workers and some computers .
Moreover
Linking Words
 , all these organisations store their clients' information in the
systems
Use synonyms
 . Because all these
systems
Use synonyms
 work with
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 , they are vulnerable to threats . Nowadays it is
a common news
Remove the article
common news
a piece of common news
show examples
 that
systems
Use synonyms
 of organisations are being hacked and manipulated by intruders of various interests .Recently some of the IT Companies in Bangalore had to close down partly for some months
due to
Linking Words
 cyber
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
show examples
.
To conclude
Linking Words
 , the current dependence of telecommunications , healthcare and tourism departments on electronic technology can create a crisis because of
Use synonyms
unemployment
Correct article usage
the unemployment
show examples
 it creates and its vulnerability
cyber
Change preposition
to cyber
show examples
 crimes

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Address counterarguments to provide a more balanced view. You could discuss how computer technology can also bring benefits to these fields, balancing the problems it creates.
coherence cohesion
Improve the coherence of your essay by ensuring that each paragraph links smoothly to the next. Use transition phrases to indicate shifts in thought and maintain a logical flow between points.
task achievement
Enhance the depth of your arguments by providing more detailed examples and explanations. Explain why certain outcomes (like unemployment or vulnerability to hacking) are particularly significant.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay for minor language and grammar errors, and enhance your vocabulary to improve clarity and precision.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the topic and addresses the prompt directly, showcasing a good understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and they succinctly frame the essay’s argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: