Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.
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Our telecommunications, health care and travel
systems
are based on electronic technology at present . This
dependence has created a grave condition . This
essay agrees with this
opinion because of the unemployment
it produces . Furthermore
, the chances for hacking into these systems
are not impossible , which could put every thing
at stake .
Correct your spelling
everything
Firstly
, the concern of unemployment
in
increasing currently because of the Correct your spelling
is
raise
in population . Correct your spelling
rise
Furthermore
, the higher number of educated youngsters compared to previous decades is also
a contributing factor .The current computer era has contributed to this
unemployment
by reducing the need for manpower in every field where it is being used . For Instance
, a huge number of people lost their jobs in Government telecommunication offices in India in the past few years due to
computerisation
of the entire system . So many travel offices Correct article usage
the computerisation
also
had the same faith . For example
, a decade back travel and tourism offices used to
be filled with employees Fix the infinitive
apply
where as
now it has only Correct your spelling
whereas
few
workers and some computers .
Change the article
a few
Moreover
, all these organisations store their clients' information in the systems
. Because all these systems
work with internet
, they are vulnerable to threats . Nowadays it is Correct article usage
the internet
a common news
that Remove the article
common news
a piece of common news
systems
of organisations are being hacked and manipulated by intruders of various interests .Recently some of the IT Companies in Bangalore had to close down partly for some months due to
cyber attack
.
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
To conclude
, the current dependence of telecommunications , healthcare and tourism departments on electronic technology can create a crisis because of unemployment
it creates and its vulnerability Correct article usage
the unemployment
cyber
crimesChange preposition
to cyber
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task achievement
Address counterarguments to provide a more balanced view. You could discuss how computer technology can also bring benefits to these fields, balancing the problems it creates.
coherence cohesion
Improve the coherence of your essay by ensuring that each paragraph links smoothly to the next. Use transition phrases to indicate shifts in thought and maintain a logical flow between points.
task achievement
Enhance the depth of your arguments by providing more detailed examples and explanations. Explain why certain outcomes (like unemployment or vulnerability to hacking) are particularly significant.
coherence cohesion
Proofread your essay for minor language and grammar errors, and enhance your vocabulary to improve clarity and precision.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the topic and addresses the prompt directly, showcasing a good understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present and they succinctly frame the essay’s argument.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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