IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people believe that governments should ban dangerous sports. Others claim that they should have freedom to choose their favourite activities. Discuss both views and present your opinion.

#people #governments #ban #sports #freedom #favourite #activities
The adrenalin that people get from doing dangerous
sports
 is what makes them addicted to doing it.
However
, some say that authorities should ban these
activities
 as they can endanger themselves.
On the other hand
, others believe that they should have the liberty to do their hobbies in
this
 typical of
sports
.
Therefore
, in
this
 essay, I would like to describe some arguments and my personal point of view regarding the issue, which are set out below. Dangerous
sports
 are often loved by society, especially youngsters. The nervous feeling before doing these kinds of
activities
 makes them excited, and when they manage to do it, they feel a sense of accomplishment.
Additionally
, they say that they need the freedom to do everything they want since they are young.
For instance
, a lot of teenagers love doing parkours on top of a building. They jump from one building to another without any safety equipment. Once they do it, their friends will
applause
Replace the word
applaud
show examples
 and praise them, leading to them feeling successful.
On the contrary
, people believe that these kinds of
activities
 could be fatal to one's life. They could end up in the hospital or even worse, losing their lives for doing extreme
sports
. They believe that the government should take action to protect society and not give them all the freedom for their own good.
For instance
, there was an incident where a teenager passed away
due to
 a misstep when the athletes were jumping between tall buildings.
Hence
, the authorities should ban parkour to avoid
such
 things from happening again in the future. Ultimately, I personally believe that the government should take action to prevent unwanted things from happening without taking all the freedom from someone. They can let youngsters do parkour at the park
instead
 of the high building.
This
 way, people still can enjoy doing the
activities
 they love, yet, the government are still protecting them.
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is consistently developed throughout the paragraph. There are some areas where the ideas could be more consistently aligned and organized to enhance coherence.
Task Achievement
Provide a more balanced discussion of both views presented in the task. While both sides are discussed, the essay could benefit from addressing counterpoints to the perspectives given for a more comprehensive analysis.
Introduction & Conclusion
The introduction clearly outlines the issues to be discussed and sets up a personal viewpoint, making the essay's purpose clear from the start.
Task Achievement
The use of relevant and specific examples, such as the parkour example, effectively illustrates the points being made, adding depth to the argument.
Introduction & Conclusion
The essay includes a clear conclusion that effectively summarizes the writer's personal viewpoint and suggests a balanced approach to the issue, which enhances the overall cohesion of the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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