IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Directors and managers of organisations are often older people. Some people say that it is better for younger people to be leaders. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#directors #managers #organisations #people #leaders
There is no denying the fact that manager levels are often elderly
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
show examples
.
While
 it is commonly held belief that it is better for young
people
 to
becoming
Change the form of the verb
become
show examples
 a
leader
 in organisations, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that young
people
 should have a chance to be
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the managerial level.
To begin
 with, the new
emplyee
Correct your spelling
employee
 generation are generally creative
people
.
In other words
, they are
have
Verb problem
apply
show examples
deeply
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
show examples
 on
development
Replace the word
developing
show examples
thier knowledage
Correct your spelling
their knowledge
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different work types and currently becoming trusted in any field that results
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 and ambition to
creative
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create
show examples
 more.
In addition
, young
people
 can be
leader
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leaders
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a large scale not only
small
Change preposition
in small
show examples
organisation
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organisations
show examples
.
For example
, the
leader
 of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed Bin
Salamn
Correct your spelling
Salman
,
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
started to
became
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become
show examples
leader
Correct article usage
a leader
show examples
 around 8 years and during
this
 time he made
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fabolouse
Correct your spelling
fabulous
 changes, and Saudi Arabia
experianced
Correct your spelling
experienced
 significant
developmente
Correct your spelling
development
developments
,
such
 as
allowed
Wrong verb form
allowing
show examples
 women to drive a car, the line project, and the Redsea project. Another point to consider,
young
Add an article
the young
a young
show examples
 community could
applying
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apply
be applying
show examples
 a massive era
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the work environment. It is
also
 possible to say that,
throughout
Change preposition
apply
show examples
following the leading trend and
desinging
Correct your spelling
designing
 new strategies
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
, rewarding
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
show examples
 and implementing a healthy workspace,
furthermore
, enhance the balance between life and work
whereas
 these acts
represents
Change the verb form
represent
show examples
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
necessary in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
jobs nowadays.
For instance
, studies
shown
Add a missing verb
have shown
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
startup
Add an article
the startup
show examples
 companies
thersedays
Correct your spelling
these days
 are glowing, and the major reason behind
is
Correct pronoun usage
this is
show examples
 the owners are around 25-45 years old, that
becouse
Correct your spelling
because
 of using
new
Correct article usage
a new
show examples
leader
 methodology. In
conclusiom
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, despite
people
 having different
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
, I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
 should have an opportunity to
praticipate
Correct your spelling
participate
 in leading and
represeant
Correct your spelling
represent
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 as
offical
Correct your spelling
official
office
mangers
Correct your spelling
managers
show examples
 and directors.
Submitted by balqassab3 on

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task response
Your introduction gives a clear statement of the issue and your opinion, which is good. However, it could be clearer if you avoid clichés like 'there is no denying the fact.' Consider a more direct approach, such as 'It is widely observed that managerial positions are often held by older individuals.'
task response
Make sure to proofread for spelling errors ('emplyee' should be 'employee', 'creative more' should be 'create more', etc.). This will make your essay more polished and professional.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay would benefit from more precise vocabulary and reduced repetition. For example, instead of saying 'young community could applying a massive era,' you might say 'young professionals can bring about significant changes.'
coherence and cohesion
Use appropriate linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of your essay. For example, instead of 'in addition,' you could use 'furthermore' to add variety and appropriate emphasis.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your argument with relevant examples and evidence. For instance, the example of the Saudi Arabian leader is persuasive but could be expanded with more specific achievements for greater impact.
task response
Consider revising sentences to improve clarity and readability. For example, 'studies shown most of startup companies thersedays are glowing,' could be revised to 'Studies show that most startup companies today are thriving.'
coherence and cohesion
Your essay structure is strong; you have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples like Mohammed Bin Salman and startup companies adds depth and credibility to your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Wealth of experience
  • Historical knowledge
  • Fresh perspectives
  • Innovative ideas
  • Adaptability
  • Technological advancements
  • Team cohesion
  • Morale
  • Calculated risks
  • Significant advancements
  • Mentorship
  • Transfer of knowledge
  • Energy and drive
  • Refined decision-making skills
  • Younger workforce
  • Leadership development
  • Organizational dynamics
  • Risk-taking mindset
  • Change management
  • Intergenerational collaboration
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