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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #percentages #men #women #employment #four #countries #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The chart above shows the
rate
Use synonyms
 of working people around
Correct your spelling
the
thr
Correct your spelling
the
 age of 40 to 60,in
Use synonyms
Change the capitalization
Belgium
show examples
belgium
Change the capitalization
Belgium
show examples
Change preposition
in 1970s
show examples
1970s
Change preposition
in 1970s
show examples
 there
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 around 79
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of males
employments
Correct your spelling
employed
show examples
however
Linking Words
 there
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 only 8
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
Correct your spelling
females
femals
Correct your spelling
females
employments
Correct your spelling
employed
show examples
,the numbers went down at 2000 there were only 8
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of male and 7
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of female
Use synonyms
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
 showed
shrinked
Correct your spelling
shrank
show examples
 of the gab between male and female percentage,In
USA
Use synonyms
 at 1970 there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 73
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of employed male
while
Linking Words
 there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 36
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of female
Use synonyms
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
 is a much smaller
gab
Correct your spelling
gap
show examples
 between them
combared
Correct your spelling
compared
 with
Belgium
Use synonyms
,at 2000 there were
reduse
Correct your spelling
reduce
 of
rate
Use synonyms
 for male with only 56
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
Add the comma(s)
, on the contrary,
show examples
on the contrary
Linking Words
 the
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 for female went up to 39
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,in Japan there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 85
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 for male and 43
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 for
femal
Correct your spelling
female
females
wich
Use synonyms
 both higher than the
USA
Use synonyms
,at 2000 the
reate
Correct your spelling
rate
 went down with 40 for
femal
Correct your spelling
female
females
 and 74 male
wich
Use synonyms
 still
apove
Correct your spelling
above
 the
USA
Use synonyms
,in Australia there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 76
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of employed male and 16 of female
however
Linking Words
 it went down at 2000 with only 47
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 for male and 18
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 for
femal
Correct your spelling
females
female
.
At
Change preposition
In
show examples
 1970 Japan uesd to have the highest
rate
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2000,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 the lowest male
percent
Use synonyms
 at 2000
altough
Correct your spelling
although
Belgium
Use synonyms
 got the lowest
rate
Use synonyms
 for
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
,For
femal
Correct your spelling
female
females
 in
Belgium
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 both 1970 and 2000 got the lowest
rate
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by 12gna13 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, belgium, percent, wich, usa with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "went down" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment rate
  • percentage
  • trend
  • significant change
  • overall employment
  • societal changes
  • economic conditions
  • government policies
  • compare
  • highlight
  • individual country analysis
  • increased/decreased
  • similarities and differences
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