IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

These data give information about the number of visitors in 4 kinds of attractions: wildlife parks and zoos, museums and galleries, theme parks and historic houses and monuments in The United Kingdom in 1981 and 1999.

#data #information #visitors #kinds #attractions #wildlife #parks #zoos #museums #galleries #theme #houses #monuments #kingdom
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These data give information about the
number
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 of
visitors
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 in 4 kinds of attractions: wildlife
parks
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 and
zoos
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, museums and galleries, theme
parks
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 and historic houses and monuments in The United Kingdom in 1981 and 1999. In general, the
number
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 of
visitors
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 in 1999
is
Wrong verb form
was
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 more than in 1981.
Besides
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,
visitors
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 prefer going to museums and galleries most, which accounted for the largest in both 2
years
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. The opposite is true for the
figure
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 of wildfire
parks
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 and
zoos
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. First of all, the
figure
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 of
visitors
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 entering wildlife
parks
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 and
zoos
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 was the biggest in 4 different types of attractions in both 2
years
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. In 1981, the proportion of museums and galleries accounted for nearly half of
total
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the total
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.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
figure
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 declined about 10% in 1999.
Moreover
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, the slightly slower percentage was the
number
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 of
visitors
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 going to theme
parks
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 in 1981 and 1999, at 32% and 37% respectively, which increased gradually through 18
years
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, there was an increase slightly in the
number
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 of people going to wildlife
parks
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 and
zoos
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, from 4% in 1981 to 9% in 1999.
Furthermore
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, the
figure
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 for the
number
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 of people in the UK going to historic houses and monuments remained unchanged, which still accounted for 16% through 18
years
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, starting from 1981.
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task achievement
Your essay generally addresses the task by discussing the given data. However, some sections could benefit from clearer, more precise language and more accurate descriptions.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to consistently use the same terms when referring to the data to avoid confusion. For instance, 'figure of visitors' can be simplified to 'number of visitors'.
coherence cohesion
Your essay could be more effective with a clearer structure. Having distinct paragraphs for each kind of attraction could enhance readability and logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repeating phrases such as 'in both 2 years' which can be corrected to 'in both years.' This will help to maintain smooth and coherent reading.
task achievement
You have provided a general overview of the data which is crucial for a task 1 essay.
task achievement
You have successfully included some comparisons between the different years and types of attractions.
task achievement
Your essay shows a good awareness of the main trends and differences in the data.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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