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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001 and 2014.

The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001 and 2014.
#show #percentage #australian #men #women #three #age #groups
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The following bar charts represent the percentage of both
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 Australian employees by comparing three different
age
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groups
Use synonyms
 over a
30-years
Fix the agreement mistake
30-year
show examples
 period, remarkably in 1984, 2001, and 2014.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly observed that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of
Australia
Correct your spelling
Australian
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 labour is
men
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 that of
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 is fewer throughout the given time frame.
However
Linking Words
, it is interesting to note that both
men
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 and
women
Use synonyms
 in their 35-44 are
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 workforce contributing
Change preposition
to Australia
show examples
Australia
Correct your spelling
Australian
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 economics. Starting in 1984, at about 90%,
men
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who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
aged 35-44 accounted for the greatest proportion among all other
age
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group
Change the wording
groups
show examples
, followed by those
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 15-19 at 60%, and
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age
Wrong verb form
aged
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 60-64 at 40%, respectively. Meanwhile, at approximately 60% of youngest
women
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 employees slightly overtaking its senior in their 30s at 58% and elderly
groups
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 at 10%. Surprisingly, in 2001,
similar
Add an article
a similar
show examples
 trend can be found in both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 across three years where those in 35-44 outnumbered the other two
groups
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, the youngest and the oldest,respectively. Notably,
men
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figures
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figure
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 relatively higher than
women
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 about 20% except those in 15-19 that equally the same rate. In regards
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 2014,
women
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 in 35-44 reached
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 peak at almost 80%,
while
Linking Words
 that of
men
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remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 stable at 90%. Though, at 60%, male senior
groups
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 10% greater than that of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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, the youngest female employees outnumber
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 counterparts
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same rate
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
culminating at almost 60%.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age, groups with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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