IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001 and 2014.

The charts below show the percentage of Australian men and women in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001 and 2014.
#show #percentage #australian #men #women #three #age #groups
The following bar charts represent the percentage of both
men
 and
women
 Australian employees by comparing three different
age
groups
 over a
30-years
Fix the agreement mistake
30-year
show examples
 period, remarkably in 1984, 2001, and 2014.
Overall
, it can be clearly observed that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
Australia
Correct your spelling
Australian
show examples
 labour is
men
,
whereas
 that of
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
women
 is fewer throughout the given time frame.
However
, it is interesting to note that both
men
 and
women
 in their 35-44 are
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 workforce contributing
Change preposition
to Australia
show examples
Australia
Correct your spelling
Australian
show examples
 economics. Starting in 1984, at about 90%,
men
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
aged 35-44 accounted for the greatest proportion among all other
age
group
Change the wording
groups
show examples
, followed by those
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 15-19 at 60%, and
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 60-64 at 40%, respectively. Meanwhile, at approximately 60% of youngest
women
 employees slightly overtaking its senior in their 30s at 58% and elderly
groups
 at 10%. Surprisingly, in 2001,
similar
Add an article
a similar
show examples
 trend can be found in both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 across three years where those in 35-44 outnumbered the other two
groups
, the youngest and the oldest,respectively. Notably,
men
figures
Change the verb form
figure
show examples
 relatively higher than
women
 about 20% except those in 15-19 that equally the same rate. In regards
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 2014,
women
 in 35-44 reached
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 peak at almost 80%,
while
 that of
men
remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 stable at 90%. Though, at 60%, male senior
groups
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 10% greater than that of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, the youngest female employees outnumber
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 counterparts
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same rate
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
culminating at almost 60%.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age, groups with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: