IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In todays world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development

#todays #world #people #money #appearance #happen #development
Undeniably, beauty is an integral part of virtually everybody's lives.
According to
 a number of statistics across the globe, a prohibitive quantity of money is nowadays being lavished by a plethora of
individuals
 upon their faces with a view to looking like a youngster. To my way of thinking, there are numerous reasons why they are doing
this
, and
this
 common belief without a doubt has ample drawbacks. As stated, there are several reasons for the fact that a host of
people
 aspire to look younger by devoting a substantial amount of money to their complexions. One of the underlying motives for
this
 is that they are highly dependent on the
individuals
 around them. To expound,
while
people
 who are close to them
are looking
Wrong verb form
look
show examples
 much younger as opposed to others, they do not feel inclined to look like
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
middle-aged or elderly
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
.
On the contrary
, they
endeavor
Change the spelling
endeavour
show examples
 to keep up with other
individuals
 who look like adolescents with their charming faces. To my mind, it is being talked about
women
Change preposition
by women
show examples
 for the most part. The case above does not lead to positive consequences in my book. First of all, a lot of
people
 invariably attempt to wear face
make-up
Correct your spelling
makeup
show examples
 so as to look like teenagers, though
this
 may result in
people
 becoming much older
individuals
 as time passes. Logically, provided that you have face
make-up
, you should look younger in comparison with others. Having said that, there is sometimes makeup that causes you to look much older than ever before
while
 using it.
Thus
, from my point of view, they had better resist putting on their
make-up
.
Secondly
, I have to take its quality and effectiveness into consideration. It is true that there are a bunch of special things intended for
people
's complexions that are low-quality and less effective. Sadly, these can spoil their beautiful faces
as well as
 provide them with the chance to look like an elderly person. From time to time, there may be certain things that are a bit high-quality and fruitful.
Nonetheless
, I do not advise
people
 to utilize specific items designed to make
individuals
 beautiful.
Last
 but not least, excessive amounts of
make-up
 can more than likely breed severe diseases among
people
 who make use of them on a daily basis. In my eyes, wearing some
make-up
 is very useful for
people
's faces and their future prosperity, but I do not think they can benefit a lot from their
make-up
as a result
 of overusing it.
This
, in turn, can make
people
's life expectancy considerably shorter than they anticipated.
Therefore
,
make-up
 cannot be beneficial in all respects.   To summarize, owing to the vigorous competition between
people
 in terms of face-related beauty
as well as
 their strong aspiration to look younger by wearing
make-up
, they have a craving to look like a youngster.
Submitted by ieltswritingband99 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic well and provides clear reasons for why people spend money on their appearance and why you consider it a negative development. However, some areas can be refined for clarity and impact. Try to simplify your language slightly to make your argument clearer and more persuasive. For example, the phrase 'a prohibitive quantity of money is nowadays being lavished by a plethora of individuals’ can be simplified to 'many people are spending lots of money.'
coherence cohesion
Consider enhancing the logical flow between your ideas. You have a structured format, but some transitions could be smoother. For instance, instead of jumping from one reason to another, try to segue more naturally: 'Additionally, another reason for this trend is...' This will help in making your arguments more cohesive.
task achievement
For specific examples, you can use relevant statistics or studies to support your points. Currently, the examples are somewhat general and hypothetical. For instance, you mentioned makeup causing individuals to look older, which could be backed up by a reference to scientific studies or dermatologist opinions.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and logical structure in your essay, with a well-defined introduction and conclusion. This helps in guiding the reader through your arguments effectively.
task achievement
Your essay covers the topic comprehensively and presents a balanced view with multiple reasons supporting your stance. This shows depth in task response and clear comprehension of the topic.
task achievement
You’ve effectively used a range of vocabulary and complex sentences, showcasing your command of the English language. This enriches the content and demonstrates your language proficiency.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Youthful appearance
  • Societal norms
  • Media influence
  • Self-esteem
  • Confidence
  • Professional competition
  • Health and wellness
  • Cosmetic enhancements
  • Medical technology
  • Anti-aging products
  • Invest in appearance
  • Beauty standards
What to do next:
Look at other essays: