IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

.The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

.The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
#graphs #show #survey #children #activities #first #leisure #boys #second #girls
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the survey results on children's activities, including two
graph
Change to a plural noun
graphs
show examples
,
first
Change the article
the first
show examples
 graph shows
boy's
Change noun form
boys'
show examples
 cultural and leisure activities, with
girl's
Change noun form
girls
show examples
 in the second paragraph
Overall
, it can be seen that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Add an article
the boy
show examples
boy
Fix the agreement mistake
boys
show examples
 used to play computer games, followed by basketball,
whereas
, girls were likely to
dancing
Change the verb
dance
show examples
 and
reading
Wrong verb form
read
show examples
.
To begin
 with, computer games
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 popular in
boys
Change noun form
boys'
boy's
show examples
 activities at 34%,
while
 reading was the lowest at 2%.
Furthermore
, the proportion of boys that play basketball and soccer
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their free time
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 26% and 17%, respectively.
In addition
, listening to music and skateboarding were similar
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
males
Fix the agreement mistake
male
show examples
cultural
Replace the word
culture
show examples
 at roughly 10%.
On the other hand
,
woman's
Change noun form
woman
show examples
 are more
interesting
Replace the word
interested
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 dancing and reading at around 25%, and the percentage of girls who spend their leisure time on computer games and netball
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 quite the same at 15%.
Moreover
, listening to music on women has the same
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 as boys at 10% that near to gymnastics.
Submitted by napatnp18065322 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • gender difference
  • similar participation rates
  • traditional gender roles
  • trends
  • impact
  • parental influence
  • extracurricular activities
  • accessible
What to do next:
Look at other essays: