IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

.The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

.The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.
#graphs #show #survey #children #activities #first #leisure #boys #second #girls
The pie charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 the survey results on children's activities, including two
graph
Change to a plural noun
graphs
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,
first
Change the article
the first
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 graph shows
boy's
Change noun form
boys'
show examples
 cultural and leisure activities, with
girl's
Change noun form
girls
show examples
 in the second paragraph
Overall
, it can be seen that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Add an article
the boy
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boy
Fix the agreement mistake
boys
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 used to play computer games, followed by basketball,
whereas
, girls were likely to
dancing
Change the verb
dance
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 and
reading
Wrong verb form
read
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.
To begin
 with, computer games
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 popular in
boys
Change noun form
boys'
boy's
show examples
 activities at 34%,
while
 reading was the lowest at 2%.
Furthermore
, the proportion of boys that play basketball and soccer
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their free time
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 26% and 17%, respectively.
In addition
, listening to music and skateboarding were similar
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
males
Fix the agreement mistake
male
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cultural
Replace the word
culture
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 at roughly 10%.
On the other hand
,
woman's
Change noun form
woman
show examples
 are more
interesting
Replace the word
interested
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 dancing and reading at around 25%, and the percentage of girls who spend their leisure time on computer games and netball
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 quite the same at 15%.
Moreover
, listening to music on women has the same
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 as boys at 10% that near to gymnastics.
Submitted by napatnp18065322 on

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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • gender difference
  • similar participation rates
  • traditional gender roles
  • trends
  • impact
  • parental influence
  • extracurricular activities
  • accessible
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