IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Please reflect on how your experiences have influenced your career choices and aspirations and the impact you will have on the businesses, organizations, and communities you plan to serve.

#experiences #career #choices #aspirations #impact #businesses #organizations #communities #plan
Since elementary school, I used to sell accessories and stickers to my friends and it kept going until I got into junior high school, high school, and college. I sell things that were trending at that time. I always look for opportunities that might be a good way to get money.
Moreover
, My Dad
was
Verb problem
has
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also
 a full-time entrepreneur since I was 14 y.o. Unfortunately, his
business
 bankrupt 8 years later. It just makes me feel curious
why
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as to why
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 his
business
 failed. I
was thinking
Wrong verb form
thought
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 that he might offer not a
product market
Add a hyphen
product-market
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 fit or as simple as he was not really
passionated
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passionate
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on
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about
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 his
business
. Until,
when
Rephrase
apply
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I
still
Add a missing verb
was still
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on
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in
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 5th term
on
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in
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 college, exactly when
pandemic
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the pandemic
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hits
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hit
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 us, I found people
tend
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tended
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 to use Zoom and subscribe Zoom monthly on Zoom's website
,
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apply
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 because the minimum
subscribe
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subscription
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 is monthly, but in fact, they only used it
like
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apply
show examples
2 or 3 times in a month. So, I offer a service to people that they can rent Zoom
in
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at
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daily
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a daily
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 or even hourly rate and it will be more effective and save
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 money. I have been 4 years on
this
business
 and we are now 9 members of
team
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the team
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 and helped more than 15.000 people
conducting
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conduct
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 their online
meeting
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meetings
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 via Zoom. One day, our goal is to be
official
Correct article usage
an official
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 digital partner with Zoom and get
acquisitioned
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acquisition
acquisitions
 to be one of Zoom's
Brand
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brands
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. I never feel bored being in
this
 digital industry because I see
my self
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myself
show examples
 happy and growing when I serve my clients. For me, building a
business
 is unique, there is no exact formula to build a sustainable
business
 because all we need is only trial and error. Even though things got
Correct your spelling
tough
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though
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tough
show examples
, we as
an
Correct article usage
apply
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entrepreneur
Fix the agreement mistake
entrepreneurs
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 have to keep moving and
Correct your spelling
innovative
inovative
Correct your spelling
innovative
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Ensure that you have a clear introduction and conclusion to frame your essay. This will give a more complete structure to your writing and provide a sense of closure.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between ideas. Some transitions between sentences and paragraphs could be smoother to ensure better coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid technical inaccuracies and pay attention to grammar to make your ideas more comprehensible.
task achievement
Provide a bit more detail on how your experiences have influenced your aspirations and your plans to impact businesses and communities in the future.
task achievement
You have provided relevant specific examples from your personal experience, which adds depth to your essay.
task achievement
Your enthusiasm for entrepreneurship and growth in the digital industry is evident and inspiring.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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