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Band 4.5

THE BAR CHART BELOW GIVES INFORMATION ABOUT THE NUMBER OF STUDENTS STUDYING COMPUTER SCIENCE AT the UK university between 2010 and 2012. Summerise the info by selecting the main features, and making comparision where relavent.

THE BAR CHART BELOW GIVES INFORMATION ABOUT THE NUMBER OF STUDENTS STUDYING COMPUTER SCIENCE AT the UK university between 2010 and 2012. Summerise the info by selecting the main features, and making comparision where relavent.
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The bar graph
comapers
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compares
 the total
amount
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 of home and international learners exploring computer science at the UK college over
2-year
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a 2-year
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period
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.
Overall
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,
it is clear that
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 the number of
british
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British
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students
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 was outstanding than the
amount
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 of international learners throughout the
period
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.
Moreover
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, we can see that the number of men
students
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 living in the UK fluctuated over the
period
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,
whereas
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 girls showed a steady increase,
also
Linking Words
, the sum of international
learnes
Correct your spelling
learners
 increased throughout the years.
To begin
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 with, we note that in 2010 the total number of British
students
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 was around 40 before a significant decline to around 25,
while
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 international
students
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 were half as many at 20. From 2011 to 2012, the
amount
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 of both international and home
students
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 increased dramatically respectively from about 23 to below 40 and from under 25 to over 40 in the UK university. British female
students
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 have demonstrated that they are in a dominant position throughout the
period
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, in 2010, the total
amount
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 of them was roughly 30, and it rose moderately to below just 45
,
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apply
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 after
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 peak at 45. Regarding the international women
students
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, there
also
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 was a slight increase over the given time, from approximately 15
students
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 to only 20 learners
in
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at
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 the end of
this
Linking Words
period
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words amount, period, students with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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