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Band 5

Some people think sports games are important for society, while others believe they should be taken as leisure activities. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #sports #games #society #leisure #activities
There is an inconclusive debate about whether
sports
 games an important social
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 or it is just individual free time activities.Both of these views will be discussed in detail before the conclusion is reached. On the one hand,
Sports
 are crucial for social unity and the progression of countries.
For example
,In the Olympic Games whenever
people
 in nations watch their representative athletes,they tend to feel more harmonious.National unity is crucial for development.
In other words
,difficult obstacles are easier to solve by cohesion rather than one person.
Additionally
,as an athlete himself playing
sports
 games for society can help him develop multiple
skills
 which are teamwork
skills
,problem-solving
skills
 and patient
skills
.
Furthermore
,
sports
 are one type of
exercise
 meaning playing
sports
 benefits
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
's health ,particularly if
sports
 are part of social activities,it will encourage others to
exercise
,and improve the majority of
people
's well-being which leads to
lower
Add an article
the lower
show examples
 death rate in nations and lower costs spending on treating diseases that occurred
due to
 lacking
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
exercise
 ,so the
countries's
Remove the s
countries'
show examples
 budget can spend on others aspects to improve nationality.
On the other hand
,Some might argue that
sports
 should be only an individual choice to do.
According to
different
Add an article
the different
show examples
ability
Fix the agreement mistake
abilities
show examples
 to play
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
,Some
people
 who do not have
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 might feel pressure to play.
Moreover
 considering social benefits,they have better ways to improve society rather than do something they are not capable of carrying.
Besides
,
exercise
 are various types to do ,so they should not be obligated to only
sports
. In conclusion,these two opinions on
this
 topic,it is a very personal question based on their preference for
sports
.Both of these have benefits and drawbacks that should be considered personally
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a more clearly defined thesis statement in the introduction. Ensure that your main argument is easily identifiable to the reader.
coherence cohesion
The cohesion of the essay can be improved by using more transitional phrases and signal words to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Pay more attention to grammatical accuracy and sentence variety to enhance the clarity of your ideas.
task achievement
You presented both sides of the argument well and provided relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively wraps up the discussion, though it could be strengthened by restating the key points more clearly.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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