IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

A big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, the employment satisfaction is much less significant than big incomes.
This
Linking Words
 essay argues that wanting to get more money leads to some bad consequences. The two most serious are
mentally
Change the adverb
mental
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 diseases and not feeling enjoyment. At the moment, there are
lots
Correct quantifier usage
lot
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 of
competitions
Fix the agreement mistake
competition
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 between workers for big salaries and they know that if they do not
work
Use synonyms
 harder, they will get much less money. So to provide for their families and themselves, they must
work
Use synonyms
 more and more. Afterwards, they will not sleep normally and it leads to lots of
mentally
Change the adverb
mental
show examples
 problems like stress, anxiety and depression.
For instance
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, I know one of my friend's dad works in a big company called Google and
everyone
Use synonyms
 knows how people there are competing for
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
show examples
, so that person lost to more experienced people and in the
end
Add a comma
end,
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 he lost his job.
Consequently
Linking Words
, as I said, he had depression and he wanted to do suicide.
By contrast
Linking Words
, he did not die,
happily
Add a comma
happily,
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 he had a family who helped him, but,
everyone
Use synonyms
 does not have their
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
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, so they really can kill themselves. 
Furthermore
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, if people
work
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 for only big salaries, they will not enjoy their employment and of
course
Add a comma
course,
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 it will lead to suicide too. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
everyone
Use synonyms
 on
this
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 planet knows that a job is one of the main things in their lives. So, they must
work
Use synonyms
 to live.
However
Linking Words
, if you do not like your job, of
course
Add the comma(s)
course,
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 you want to die.
Reason
Correct article usage
The reason
show examples
 for
this
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 is that working is very important in every person’s life. I know one person from China and his name is Lee Chan. He worked as an accountant, he did the same things every day and he was tired of that. So in the end he died by jumping from the building. In conclusion,
everyone
Use synonyms
 should not
work
Use synonyms
 for big incomes and
work
Use synonyms
 for their
enjoyments
Fix the agreement mistake
enjoyment
show examples
, of course, if they do not want to die.

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task achievement
To enhance your task response, try to provide a more balanced view of the topic. While you argue against prioritizing a big salary, it would be beneficial to acknowledge any potential arguments or reasons someone might have for valuing high income. This can add depth to your essay and demonstrate an understanding of different perspectives.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, consider using more varied transitional phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. Instead of starting sentences with straightforward transitions like 'so,' you could employ more sophisticated connectors such as 'therefore,' 'as a result,' or 'consequently.' This will help your essay flow more naturally.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, try to diversify them to include various scenarios, not just extreme cases like depression and suicide. Discussing less severe but still impactful consequences of prioritizing salary over job satisfaction can make your argument more relatable and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion summarizes your main points effectively. The current conclusion is a bit abrupt and overly simplistic. A stronger conclusion would restate your primary arguments succinctly and offer a final reflection or recommendation.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This organization makes it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
task achievement
You have provided specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument and makes it more convincing.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • remuneration
  • financial security
  • motivation
  • luxuries
  • material possessions
  • fulfillment
  • work-life balance
  • stress levels
  • mental well-being
  • job security
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