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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#retirement #age #males #females #six #countries #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar charts illustrate
men
Use synonyms
's and
women
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's intermediate
age
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 of
retirement
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 in Denmark, France, Italy, Netherlands, Sweden and
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 for 2004 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, we observed that the mean
retirement
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age
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 for
both
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 sexes had increased from 2008 to 2004, except for males in Italy and females in France, the
age
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 remained the same. On closer examination, it was clear that in Sweden
both
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men
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 and
women
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 in 2004 retired at about 63
years
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 old which had risen by 1
year
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 in 2008. In the
Uk
Correct your spelling
UK
show examples
, in
both
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 2004 and
2008
Add a comma
2008,
show examples
men
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 had a higher
retirement
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age
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 than
women
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, at around 62 and 61
years
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 respectively.
Also
Linking Words
, in the Netherlands
women
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’s
retirement
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age
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 was less than
men
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’s in
both
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years
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 by 1
year
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 which was around 61
years
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 in 2004 and 62
years
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 in 2008.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, it can be seen that in Italy the mean
age
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 for
men
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 was the same for
both
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years
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 at 60
years
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 old,
in
Linking Words
contrast
Add the comma(s)
contrast,
show examples
 the
age
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 of
women
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 rose from 58 to 59
years
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 in 2008. In France, female
age
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 stayed the same for
both
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years
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 at 58
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year
Change to a plural noun
years
show examples
,
however
Linking Words
men
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’s
age
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 rose by 1
year
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 in 2008 to 59
years
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.
Finally
Linking Words
, in Denmark, the
retirement
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age
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 for
both
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 sexes was 61
years
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 in 2008, compared to 59
years
Use synonyms
 for females and 60
years
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
men’s
Change noun form
men
show examples
 in 2004.
Submitted by hazarbakhit on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age, retirement, both, years, year with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • gender disparity
  • average
  • countries
  • comparisons
  • illustrates
  • features
  • trends
  • outliers
  • noteworthy
  • notable differences
  • economic factors
  • social factors
  • legal factors
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