IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the average retirement age of males and females in six countries in 2003. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#retirement #age #males #females #six #countries #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The bar charts illustrate the average retirement
age
 of
men
 and
women
 in several countries in 2004 and 2008.
Overall
, citizens in Sweden became the longest in terms of taking
pensiun
Correct your spelling
pencil
 time in two different
years
 shown.
By contrast
, people in France commonly stopped
to work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
. Looking at the information in more detail, in 2004 in Sweden,
men
 and
women
 were still working until
age
 64
then
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
4
years
 later, it became longer which was 65
years
 old. Similar trends happened to every type of
genders
Fix the agreement mistake
gender
show examples
 in
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
. In
this
 nation, in 2004, males occupied until
age
 62
whereas
 females worked shorter one year. During 2008, the availability of
taking
Verb problem
apply
show examples
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
 or
full time
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
men
 and
women
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 63
years
 and 62
years
 respectively. In 2004, inhabitants in France could be retirement in the 58-year old for both two genders. By 2008,
this
 condition has changed to 59
years
 for
men
.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there was no difference between the average
Change preposition
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
age
 working of
women
betwen
Correct your spelling
between
 two
years
 shown.
In addition
, because of
this
, France
became
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the shortest
years
Fix the agreement mistake
year
show examples
 of
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
.
This
situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
show examples
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 similar happened in Italy
Submitted by hikmanurdin04 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, men, women, years with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • gender disparity
  • average
  • countries
  • comparisons
  • illustrates
  • features
  • trends
  • outliers
  • noteworthy
  • notable differences
  • economic factors
  • social factors
  • legal factors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: