Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree ordisagree?
Women
said
to Add a missing verb
were said
be joined
the army and the navy Wrong verb form
join
force
like men
. I strongly agree with this
statement because of the gender equality and multi-tasking
. Correct your spelling
multitasking
This
essay discusses it briefly for the following reasons.
To begin
with, women
should be recruited the
Change preposition
to the
air
Correct your spelling
Air Force
force
and the navy
Capitalize word
Navy
force
due to
the
gender equality. Correct article usage
apply
That is
to say, women
can contribute and service to
their nation like Change preposition
apply
men
, but this
society easily put
Wrong verb form
puts
label
on Fix the agreement mistake
labels
women
are so soft
and physically weak than Replace the word
as softer
men
. For example
, in the USA, many mothers and wives are working in the air force
. Therefore
, women
also
have all
Correct determiner usage
the
rights
to serve their nation Fix the agreement mistake
right
by
Change preposition
through
defence
.
Add an article
the defence
Furthermore
, multi-tasking is done by women
easily because they are being mothers and wives simultaneously. This
is, women
take care Add the comma(s)
women,
their
children and protect their families from any Change preposition
of their
harms
, so they have Fix the agreement mistake
harm
a
natural protection and defence skills as Correct article usage
the
men
. For instance
, women
can check the map while
doing defence of the air
Correct your spelling
Air Force
force
. Hence
, they should be joined
the military Wrong verb form
join
force
as men
because they have more skills and workforce in the army than men
.
In conclusion, women
should be allowed to join the army force
as men
because they are the master
in multi-tasking Fix the agreement mistake
masters
as well
as
they should Correct word choice
and
treat
like Wrong verb form
be treated
men
, which gender
equality. Henceforth, I strongly agree Add a missing verb
is gender
with
the Change preposition
that
airforce
should be allowed to join Correct your spelling
Air Force
women
like men
.Submitted by reanudeepan on
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task achievement
While your essay provides a clear stance on the topic and introduces several supporting ideas, it needs more specific and relevant examples to strengthen your arguments. Try to include more detailed examples and evidence to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your ideas are organized logically. The essay requires smoother transitions between paragraphs and better linkage of ideas to enhance coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar. Some sentences are difficult to understand due to improper grammar and phrasing. Proofreading your work before submission can help identify and correct these errors.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should summarize the main points discussed in the essay more clearly and possibly suggest a final thought or recommendation. This will give a more rounded and complete response.
task achievement
Your essay provides a clear stance that you strongly agree with women joining the military forces, and you support your points with relevant ideas such as gender equality and the ability to multitask.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present in the essay, which helps to provide a framework for your argument.
Word Count
IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.
A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.
Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.