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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The bar chart shows the percentage of adults who were overweight or obese (too fat or much too fat) in one country from 1965 to 2015. The pie chart shows the proportion of adults who were overweight, obese or severely obese in 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart shows the percentage of adults who were overweight or obese (too fat or much too fat) in one country from 1965 to 2015. The pie chart shows the proportion of adults who were overweight, obese or severely obese in 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #percentage #adults #country #proportion #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The
bar
chart
 shows
trend
Add an article
the trend
a trend
show examples
 of
adults
 who were overweight or obese in
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 between 1965 and 2015 and the pie
chart
demonstrate
Correct subject-verb agreement
demonstrates
show examples
 the contribution of
adults
Change noun form
adults'
adult's
show examples
 different
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
 of fatness in 2015. As it shows in 1965, we
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
 percentage of overweighting
adults
 that it’s just under 50
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 and we can see in
bar
Correct article usage
the bar
show examples
chart
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 in 2015 just over a third part of
adults
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 too fat. As we can see,
although
bar
Correct article usage
the bar
show examples
chart
 has
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 increasing trend during these 50 years
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
in
three
Correct article usage
the three
show examples
decade
Change to a plural noun
decades
show examples
 from 1965 to 1975 the trend is
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
stable
Add an article
a stable
show examples
 form and the percentage of mature people
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
so
Rephrase
very
show examples
 similar to each other just around 50
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 in
2015
Add a comma
2015,
show examples
 the number reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the maximum point that around 80
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
adults
 have
fatness
Replace the word
fat
show examples
. The pie charts demonstrate that in 2015 which is the highest percentage of fatness, 34% of people are too fat. And only 29% of people have a healthy diet. One in twenty
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
adults
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 dangerous fat. The
bar
chart
 shows that being fat and
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
overweight
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 increased decade by decade and the pie
chart
demonstrate
Change the verb form
demonstrates
show examples
 that just over a third of
Correct article usage
the adults
show examples
adults
Change the noun form
adult
show examples
 population are in a healthy or underweight part.
Submitted by mr.sadeghnezhadengineer on

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Contractions: Don't use contractions.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 80%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words bar, chart, adults with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "just over" was used 2 times.
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