IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organised group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to team how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #part #group #activities #time #team
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While
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 some people argue that
parents
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 should encourage their
children
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 to participate in organized
group
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works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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 in their spare
time
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, others believe that
children
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 should decide how they will make themselves busy. I personally believe that
parents
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 should inspire their
children
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 to take part in
group
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activities
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 and the ages of the
children
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 are not appropriate to take
such
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decision
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.
Group
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activities
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 help
children
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 not only
utilizing
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utilise
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 their free
time
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 but
also
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attaining
Wrong verb form
attain
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 some skills necessary for their future. They learn about organizational skills,
time
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-management skills and showing respect for others in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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organized
group
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activities
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. When these
children
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 become adults, these
activities
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 help them to act professionally in their professional world.
For example
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, in the UK,
an
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apply
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academic research revealed that professionals who are encouraged to work in a
group
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 in their childhood perform better in their professional fields than those who did not.
Therefore
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, I believe that
parents
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 should encourage their kids to participate in
group
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activities
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.
Children
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 know how to keep themselves busy,
however
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, they do not know how to utilize their
time
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 effectively. If they are allowed to
take
Correct your spelling
make
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the
Correct article usage
a
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decision
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 of their own about spending their free
time
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, they might not be able to properly utilize it. They might engage themselves in some unnecessary
activities
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, which can ultimately ruin their future.
For instance
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, in Canada, some school
children
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 were given some spare
time
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 to utilize
according to
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 their wishes, and they spent it
on
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apply
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watching YouTube.
Therefore
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, I believe that
children
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's age are not suitable
to
Change preposition
for
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take
Verb problem
making
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such
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decision
Correct article usage
a decision
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.
To conclude
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,
parents
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 should decide how their
children
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 should spend their free
time
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.
Children
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 should be encouraged to utilize them in a timely manner. If they are allowed to
take
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make
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this
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decision
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 on their own, there might be some drawbacks.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance the logical flow, consider integrating more transition words and phrases between paragraphs and within them. This will help in connecting ideas more seamlessly and improving the logical structure.
task achievement
While the essay provides a fairly complete response to the prompt, adding more depth to each viewpoint with further elaboration and examples would enhance the task response and clarity of ideas.
task achievement
When discussing the opposing viewpoint, ensure equal emphasis and depth to maintain a balanced argument. This will make the essay more comprehensive and fair.
coherence cohesion
The essay effectively presents an introduction and a conclusion, which helps in framing the discussion clearly.
task achievement
The essay addresses both viewpoints and successfully provides a personal opinion, thereby ensuring a complete response to the task.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and help in substantiating the main points, though more specific and varied examples would further strengthen the argument.
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