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Band 5.5

You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help. Write a letter to this friend. In your letter give details of your study plans explain why you want to get a part-time job suggest how your friend could help you find a job

#country #study #job #friend #lives #help #plans
Dear Alland, I am writing
this
 letter to ask
your
Change preposition
for your
show examples
 help regarding my plans
for
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to
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 study and take
part-time
Add an article
a part-time
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job
 in your country.
First,
I
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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plan to study at Sydney Technology University by next month. I want to take
Information
Correct article usage
an Information
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 Technology course since I love technology so much.
Then
, I will take a part-time
job
while
 I am studying.
Moreover
, I will go to Google company after I
shall
Verb problem
apply
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have finished my academic work.
Second,
I want to take
part-time
Add an article
a part-time
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job
 to help
my
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with my
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 education
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees
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 since the cost has risen significantly nowadays.
Also
, I want to have field experience
while
 I am studying
hence
 experience is very valuable.
Moreover
, big companies will look into my experience beforehand.
Lastly
, I need your help to collect some information regarding a good part-time
job
 which is not very demanding on my time.
Besides
, I need your help
for
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in
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 exploring the list of
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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 that have connections to the big companies. Thank you for your consideration. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon. Yours sincerely, Stevin
Submitted by riani.the2 on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your study plans and how they align with your future career goals. This will help provide a more complete picture.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single cohesive idea. For instance, the paragraph about your part-time job could separate the financial reasons and the experience reasons for better clarity.
greeting and closing
The greeting and closing are well done, creating a friendly tone appropriate for writing to a friend.
task achievement
The letter appropriately explains the need for a part-time job, including financial reasons and the desire for field experience, which helps in achieving a complete response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Educational aspirations
  • Work experience
  • Financial independence
  • Resume (or CV)
  • Local job market
  • International student
  • Legal requirements
  • Student work permit
  • Employment trends
  • Time management
  • Networking
  • A part-time position
  • Balance studies and work
  • Job hunting strategies
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