In todays world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development
In my opinion, these days people pay as much attention to their
appearance
as they did in the past. While
caring about one’s appearance
is important, the advancement of technology has made this
focus excessive. Unfortunately, some people around the world have died as a result
of unsuccessful surgeries. I remember once seeing a relative of mine and not recognizing her because she had undergone many facial injections. I think that once you start altering your appearance
, it can become addictive. Some people realize they have wasted money on cosmetic skin treatments after the fact. Honestly, I have never had cosmetic surgery, but I'm pretty sure that if I did it once, I would continue to do so and spend even more money.
In conclusion, being healthy is more important than being beautiful. Excessive surgeries to appear younger can lead to an unnatural appearance
.Submitted by negar.tehranii1998 on
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task achievement
Although the essay presents some good ideas, it lacks a clear introduction that directly answers the questions posed. Include an introductory paragraph that outlines why people spend a lot of money on their appearance and explicitly state whether you think this is a positive or negative development.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and logical structure, start with broader ideas and then narrow down to examples. Divide the text into separate paragraphs for each main point to help with the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Ensure your main points are supported with more detailed examples or evidence. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
In your conclusion, try to summarize the main points discussed in the essay rather than adding new information. This will reinforce your arguments and give a sense of closure.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant and specific examples, such as the story about not recognizing a relative after many facial injections.
coherence cohesion
There's a clear conclusion that reiterates the writer's standpoint, emphasizing the importance of health over appearance.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite