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Band 5

The graphs below show the average retirement age for men and women in 2004 and 2008 in six different countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

#graphs #show #retirement #age #men #women #six #countries #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The given column graphs illustrate the average
retirement
age
 for individuals in 2004 and 2008 among six nations. It can be seen easily that
Sweden
 had the longest
retirement
age
 between
men
 and
women
. It is clearly illustrated that
this
 average
age
 was over 63 in
Sweden
, and in comparison to
2008
Add a comma
2008,
show examples
 it had a small rise to 64,
similarly
 the pattern is the same for
women
 as well.
Similarly
,
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
 has the same pattern
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
Sweden
, the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
second
average
Correct word choice
highest average
show examples
 of
retirement
 is owned by
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
, it is 63 for both
men
 and
women
 and 64 in 2008 for all. In
Correct article usage
the men
show examples
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
 graph, the average
age
 for
men
 had no changes and was 60,
while
this
 number was 58 and 59 for
women
 in
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 years respectively. France, in
this
chart
Add the comma(s)
chart,
show examples
 had the lowest
retirement
age
, it is vividly clear that in 2004
men
 and
women
 retired
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 58,
while
 the
age
 changed
yo
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 59 in 2008 for
men
.
Overall
, the
age
 of retiring varies considerably among the six European countries in 2004 and 2008, but the discrepancy
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
Sweden
 and France is high.
Submitted by amini.parastoo on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "similarly, while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words retirement, age, sweden, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "illustrate" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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