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Writing Samples
Band 5

The graphs below show the average retirement age for men and women in 2004 and 2008 in six different countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The graphs below show the average retirement age for men and women in 2004 and 2008 in six different countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
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The given column graphs illustrate the average
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 for individuals in 2004 and 2008 among six nations. It can be seen easily that
Sweden
Use synonyms
 had the longest
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 between
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
. It is clearly illustrated that
this
Linking Words
 average
age
Use synonyms
 was over 63 in
Sweden
Use synonyms
, and in comparison to
2008
Add a comma
2008,
show examples
 it had a small rise to 64,
similarly
Linking Words
 the pattern is the same for
women
Use synonyms
 as well.
Similarly
Linking Words
,
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
 has the same pattern
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
Sweden
Use synonyms
, the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
second
average
Correct word choice
highest average
show examples
 of
retirement
Use synonyms
 is owned by
Netherlands
Correct article usage
the Netherlands
show examples
, it is 63 for both
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 and 64 in 2008 for all. In
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the men
show examples
men
Change noun form
men's
show examples
 graph, the average
age
Use synonyms
 for
men
Use synonyms
 had no changes and was 60,
while
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 number was 58 and 59 for
women
Use synonyms
 in
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 years respectively. France, in
this
Linking Words
chart
Add the comma(s)
chart,
show examples
 had the lowest
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
, it is vividly clear that in 2004
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 retired
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 58,
while
Linking Words
 the
age
Use synonyms
 changed
yo
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 59 in 2008 for
men
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
age
Use synonyms
 of retiring varies considerably among the six European countries in 2004 and 2008, but the discrepancy
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
Sweden
Use synonyms
 and France is high.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "similarly, while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words retirement, age, sweden, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "illustrate" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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