IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

You started in your present job two years ago. You now feel it is important for your career development to move to a different department in the same company. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter say what you have learned in your present job suggest how the company would benefit from moving you to a different department explain why you do not wish to leave the company.

#job #two #years #career #development #move #department #company #manager
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Dear Sir, I am writing
this
 letter to show my willingness to change my
department
 from customer-dealing to
system
 management. At the onset, I have been working in the current customer handling
department
 for two years and I have gone through numerous technological issues
along with
 the related rules of our
department
. Owing to
this
, a number of nearby branches most of the time call up to me to get quick solutions. I am certain that
this
 shift will be very beneficial
to provide
Change preposition
in providing
show examples
 timely support to all my colleagues.
Moreover
, since I know the
ground level
Add a hyphen
ground-level
show examples
 working and issues, I can explain the loopholes of our
system
 to the developers of the
system
 management
department
 which can enhance the service quality and database accuracy.
Lastly
, I do not ever think of leaving
this
 prestigious company as it is well-equipped with advanced technology.
Therefore
, I can grow well in the
system
 expert field
while
 staying here in
this
 company.
However
, it can only be possible if you allow me to shift my
department
. I hope you will consider my genuine reasons and permit my transfer. Yours sincerely, Jacob Brown
Submitted by Mrjit147 on

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task achievement
You did a great job explaining what you have learned in your current role and how the company could benefit from moving you to a different department. However, try to add a bit more detail or examples to make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Your letter is generally coherent and each paragraph addresses a single idea. However, working on the logical structure a bit more to ensure a smooth transition between your points would make your writing more engaging.
coherence cohesion
Your greeting and closing are formal and appropriate for the context.
task achievement
The writing tone is very suitable for a professional letter to a manager, which shows respect and purpose.
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