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Band 4

Eating too much of sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is the responsibility of government to limit people's sugar consumption while others think that it is an individual responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#sugar #health #people #responsibility #government #limit #consumption #amount
Consumption of
suger
Correct your spelling
sugar
 is too
comman
Correct your spelling
common
thesedays
Correct your spelling
these days
,
although
 it is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
health
. Some people believe that government should do something to
control
 the usage of
sugar
 ,
while
 others
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 that it is the
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of an individual to minimize the consumption of sweets. I believe that it should be controlled by
an individuals
Correct the article-noun agreement
individuals
an individual
show examples
.
To begin
 with, it is the duty of the government to
control
 the
sugar
 in the country because people are paying huge
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of taxes to the local
authorites
Correct your spelling
authorities
authority
 so they have to provide better
health
 services to their citizens.
For example
,
Singpore
Correct your spelling
Singapore
 is the country which banned the
advertisment
Correct your spelling
advertisement
 of cold drinks and things, which contains
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 high level of
sugar
due to
 that there are
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 cases of diabetes as compared to other countries.
Thus
 , limiting the
sugar
 level can
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 the fitness level of
humanbiengs
Correct your spelling
human beings
.
On the other hand
, it is very hard for
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 to
control
 every individual
sugar
 usage because every person has their own preference and they have to right choose
whetever
Correct your spelling
whatever
 they want to purchase.
For instance
, many model and
sport
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sports
show examples
 stars choose healthy food rather than eating food which
contain
Change the verb form
contains
show examples
sugar
 because they know
sugar
 is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their body .
Therefore
,people are responsible for
the
Change the word
their
show examples
health
. In conclusion,
although
 some pupils
thinks
Change the verb form
think
show examples
 that
Correct article usage
the governement
show examples
governement
Correct your spelling
government
governments
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to take some action to
control
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugar
 ,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
 that every single person should take care of their diet and
health
.
Submitted by sahil22badhan on

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language
Work on eliminating small grammatical errors such as subject-verb agreement issues and word choice (e.g., "comman" should be "common" and "biengs" should be "beings").
task
Try to expand on the arguments more comprehensively. For instance, when discussing individual responsibility, illustrate more scenarios of personal choices limiting sugar.
coherence cohesion
Enhance paragraph structure by adding linking words to ensure ideas flow more smoothly between sentences and sections.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which encapsulate the main argument effectively.
task
You have addressed both views on the topic and provided an opinion, fulfilling the basic requirements of task response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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