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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000
#show #percentages #men #women #employment #four #countries
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The two diagrams illustrate the percentages of employment of people aged 60-64 in four different nations in 1970 and 2000, broken down into gender.
Overall
, it can be clearly observed that male employees were nearly doubled that of women on average,
whereas
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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of
Change preposition
apply
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trends among
four
Correct article usage
the four
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 countries were somewhat similar in both sexes.
However
, it is interesting to note that
Japanese
Correct article usage
the Japanese
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 elderly were the largely employed than any other
countries
Fix the agreement mistake
country
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.
To begin
 with, a closer look at the bar chart
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
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 that men from four countries were employed over 70% in 1970. At 84%, Japan accounted for the highest percentages of senior male
staffs
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staff
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 among
other
Correct article usage
the other
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 three
region
Change to a plural noun
regions
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, followed by Belgium at 79%, and Australia and
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 at 74% and 73%, respectively. Surprisingly, the figures in on
decline
Correct article usage
the decline
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 in 2000, where male
belgain
Correct your spelling
Belgian
began
bargain
staffs
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staff
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 dramatically dropped to 19%,
while
 that of in Japan experienced a slight fall at 76%. The other two: USA and Australia, were only 55%, and 47%. With regards to female
employments
Fix the agreement mistake
employment
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, it is noticeable that the figures were roughly halved that of men, Japan and Belgium still remained at their first and
last
.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentages" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
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