IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving force behind hard work? What factors should be taken into consideration when recruiting staff for sales positions?

#people #companies #money #workers #force #work #factors #consideration #staff #sales #positions
Other people believe that money is a driving force that motivates an individual to
work
 hard and be dedicated
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their job.
Thus
, big industries think that they must hire money-driven applicants. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the importance of money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
employment
Correct article usage
the employment
show examples
 industry yet
disagrees
Correct subject-verb agreement
disagree
show examples
 on monetary motivation as a source of driving force on an employee.
Firstly
, financial gain is the main reason why an individual goes to
work
.
However
, research suggests that it is not purely through income that energizes the
person
 to
work
 hard on the job.
Secondly
, there are several factors that must be considered
that
Change preposition
to
show examples
increases
Correct subject-verb agreement
increase
show examples
work
 productivity
such
 as
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
work
 environment and culture.
For instance
,
high paying
Add a hyphen
high-paying
show examples
 institutions have
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
 trend of resignation and less productivity from their employees.
Thus
,
this
 means that financial incentives
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not an assurance for driving force or dedication on the
person
. On one hand, other factors
such
 as
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 employer-employee
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 can be a good indicator
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and dedication
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 an individual.
Furthermore
, the
empoyer
Correct your spelling
employer
 must look for qualities that are
aminable
Correct your spelling
amenable
amiable
 for employment in
sales
Add an article
the sales
show examples
 industry.
Additionally
, companies must hire individuals that are qualified
such
 as
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 attitude, fit
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
sales
Correct article usage
the sales
show examples
 environment and team player.
Thus
, each
qualities
Change to a singular noun
quality
show examples
 can both be beneficial to the company and the employee. If the salesperson is a
teamplayer
Correct your spelling
team player
,
this
 means a
person
 is willing to do things which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 positive for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 greater number of people rather than individual gains. In conclusion, there are several factors that can motivate a
person
 to
work
 not just
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
financial gain alone.
Furthermore
, employers must hire individuals who are qualified
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the job.
Submitted by emmagallares on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This will help to make your arguments more convincing and concrete.
task achievement
Ensure that your ideas are expressed more clearly to enhance understanding. Avoid ambiguous statements and focus on clarity.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas by organizing them more effectively. This can be done by using linking words and phrases.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring the response effectively.
supported main points
Main points are generally well-supported and are coherent within the context of the essay.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: