Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

It is widely observed that a number of people decide to move out for work resulting in
seggregation
Correct your spelling
segregation
aggregation
with their peers and families from their hometown, others suggested that it is unarguably true that certain
place
Fix the agreement mistake
places
show examples
like high
economical
Correct word choice
economic
show examples
value
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
worth
to make
Change the verb form
making
show examples
a living than others.
Hence
, I personally agree with the latter claim about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
relocation for the better job
opportunites
Correct your spelling
opportunities
and benefits will be discussed
further
in
this
essay.
To begin
with, it seems sensible for some to believe that living away from family for the survival of poor financial status can be
heartbroken
Add an article
a heartbroken
the heartbroken
show examples
decision.
This
is possibly because when it comes to adulthood,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
of
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
we
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
will
be dedicate
Change the verb form
be dedicated
show examples
to office
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
than with
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
ourselves
show examples
or
their
Correct pronoun usage
our
show examples
love's
Change noun form
love
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
.
This
is especially true for those who have
high rank
Add a hyphen
high-rank
show examples
positions where generally encounter
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
great responsibilities but
also
high in return: salary and benefits, that they could not
denied
Change the verb form
be denied
deny
show examples
. In
this
sense, there
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
that
Change preposition
in
show examples
people
Correct pronoun usage
which people
show examples
work
hard
Rephrase
so hard
show examples
that they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
unable to spare some time left to visit their
families
Change noun form
family's
families'
show examples
meeting
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
show examples
or even worse, a family's death.
However
, I strongly agree that moving away can be financially crucial, especially for those who are the
breadwinner
Fix the agreement mistake
breadwinners
show examples
of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
low income
Add a hyphen
low-income
show examples
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. To simply explain, the need to support themselves and
families
Correct pronoun usage
their families
show examples
require them to seek for best opportunity in order to make
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
ends meet
inwhich
Correct your spelling
and
big cities or sub-urban areas generally
matched
Wrong verb form
match
show examples
these. Many of
which
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
agree that they would sacrifice family time to work as they believe that if they have enough money they can be financially independent in the future and able
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to reconnect with the family once again. In a nutshell,
although
it is undeniable that
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
this
mobility for jobs can contribute to the loss of social contact that some might regret about it, I am of the opinion that the positive outcomes in terms of salaries
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
its possible detrimental effects.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
Work on making your ideas clearer and more comprehensive. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity and coherence.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the topic and presents your viewpoint.
task achievement
You've made a good attempt to weigh both advantages and disadvantages, showing a balanced view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • career advancement
  • job opportunities
  • job market
  • salaries
  • personal growth
  • cultural horizons
  • adaptability
  • resilience
  • global perspective
  • emotional and psychological impact
  • loved ones
  • loneliness
  • homesickness
  • support network
  • long-distance relationships
  • emotional strain
  • face-to-face interactions
  • financial cost
  • housing deposits
  • travel costs
  • living expenses
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