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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

These days many people have access to computers and a large number of youngsters enjoy playing video games. Do you think the advantages of playing video games outweigh the disadvantages?

In
this
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 recent climate, technology has become an indispensable part of our life.
Video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 as part of
this
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 technology are widely popular among adolescents . I, for one, subscribe to
this
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 convincing theory that the potential drawbacks of playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 overshadow its possible advantages. It is undeniable that youngsters can
benefits
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
of
Change preposition
from
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 some features of playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 . Playing some
games
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 would be beneficial for boosting their knowledge and skills in specific areas.
For instance
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, if they play
Football related
Correct your spelling
Football-related
show examples
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
, they would learn about professional techniques and strategies in Football.
Also
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, develop skills
such
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 as
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
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 and critical thinking in order to
managing
Change the verb
manage
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 the team properly.
Furthermore
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,
communicating
Replace the word
communication
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 is provided
is
Correct your spelling
in
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 some online
games
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 which give youth
to
Correct article usage
the to
show examples
connects
Wrong verb form
connect
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 with ones who have shared interests.
However
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, these tempting merits pale beside
setbacks
Correct article usage
the setbacks
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 of devoting time to gaming. Winning in virtual battles
simulate
Correct subject-verb agreement
simulates
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 the sense of achievement.
Subsequently
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,
body
Add an article
the body
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 releases dopamine which is one of the hormones for happiness. If people become addicted to
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 unreal achievements, they
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 have
undergone
Change the verb form
to undergo
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 dopamine resistance, which is a state
Change preposition
in that
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 people cannot enjoy
of
Change preposition
apply
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small pleasant moments of life.
Moreover
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, insufficient physical activities and
longe
Correct your spelling
long
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 screen time will bring about knock-on effects on both physical and mental health. Gamers are in danger of back and neck problems
due to
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 the lone sedentary time.
Additionally
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,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of interactions with real friends leads to isolation and mental disorders. From what has been discussed, it can
conclude
Wrong verb form
be concluded
show examples
 that negative aspects eclipse the merits of playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 youngsters. Despite privileges, the detrimental impacts on
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 and social life of teenagers are significant issues that cannot be overlooked.

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, try to incorporate more variety and specific examples related to the potential benefits and drawbacks of video games. Include both well-known and unique examples to robustly support your claims.
coherence cohesion
Consider making the transitions between paragraphs and ideas clearer to enhance coherence and cohesion. This can help the reader follow your argument more easily throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear position on the topic, discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of video games, which helps in addressing the task effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, giving the essay a strong start and a clear end, enhancing coherence.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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