These days many people have access to computers and a large number of youngsters enjoy playing video games. Do you think the advantages of playing video games outweigh the disadvantages?
In
this
recent climate, technology has become an indispensable part of our life. Video
games
as part of this
technology are widely popular among adolescents . I, for one, subscribe to this
convincing theory that the potential drawbacks of playing video
games
overshadow its possible advantages.
It is undeniable that youngsters can benefits
Wrong verb form
benefit
of
some features of playing Change preposition
from
video
games
. Playing some games
would be beneficial for boosting their knowledge and skills in specific areas. For instance
, if they play Football related
Correct your spelling
Football-related
video
games
, they would learn about professional techniques and strategies in Football. Also
, develop skills such
as decision making
and critical thinking in order to Add a hyphen
decision-making
managing
the team properly. Change the verb
manage
Furthermore
, communicating
is provided Replace the word
communication
is
some online Correct your spelling
in
games
which give youth to
Correct article usage
the to
connects
with ones who have shared interests.
Wrong verb form
connect
However
, these tempting merits pale beside setbacks
of devoting time to gaming. Winning in virtual battles Correct article usage
the setbacks
simulate
the sense of achievement. Correct subject-verb agreement
simulates
Subsequently
, body
releases dopamine which is one of the hormones for happiness. If people become addicted to Add an article
the body
this
unreal achievements, they Correct determiner usage
these
would
have Wrong verb form
will
undergone
dopamine resistance, which is a state Change the verb form
to undergo
Change preposition
in that
that
people cannot enjoy Correct pronoun usage
which
of
small pleasant moments of life. Change preposition
apply
Moreover
, insufficient physical activities and longe
screen time will bring about knock-on effects on both physical and mental health. Gamers are in danger of back and neck problems Correct your spelling
long
due to
the lone sedentary time. Additionally
, lack
of interactions with real friends leads to isolation and mental disorders.
From what has been discussed, it can Correct article usage
a lack
conclude
that negative aspects eclipse the merits of playing Wrong verb form
be concluded
video
games
by
youngsters. Despite privileges, the detrimental impacts on Change preposition
with
health
and social life of teenagers are significant issues that cannot be overlooked.Correct article usage
the health
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task achievement
To improve task achievement, try to incorporate more variety and specific examples related to the potential benefits and drawbacks of video games. Include both well-known and unique examples to robustly support your claims.
coherence cohesion
Consider making the transitions between paragraphs and ideas clearer to enhance coherence and cohesion. This can help the reader follow your argument more easily throughout the essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear position on the topic, discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of video games, which helps in addressing the task effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, giving the essay a strong start and a clear end, enhancing coherence.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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