IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal informations such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, others disagree. discuss both views and include your opinion.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
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Introduction
These days many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies or work
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are requesting from the
people
Use synonyms
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
 of
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 about their personal
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. So, some
people
Use synonyms
 think that no need to
it
Add a missing verb
do it
show examples
 because it is B just
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work.
While
Linking Words
 the others
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is no problem to requesting that because it is
one
Use synonyms
 of
thier
Correct your spelling
their
the
 most basic rights.
Body paragraph 1
In
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On
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Use synonyms
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, any
companies
Fix the agreement mistake
company
show examples
most
Correct your spelling
must
show examples
 be to ask about some things to know if the person who is
come
Wrong verb form
coming
show examples
 to seek a job has good
fot
Correct your spelling
for
 that or
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 and absolutely
thier
Correct your spelling
they
 have more reasons.
Firstly
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, no
one
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 can
employment
Replace the word
employ
show examples
 any person without
know
Change the verb form
knowing
show examples
 some
details
Use synonyms
 about
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
For example
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, If they
was
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were
show examples
 married or single because it
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
works on a big
diffierence
Correct your spelling
difference
 about a
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 for
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 children.
Secondly
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, it is important to know
ceavil
Correct word choice
the CEO's
show examples
 ID to know if he has
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
many
of
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apply
show examples
problems with
people
Use synonyms
 or the companies in
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 jobs or not.
Thirdly
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, no
one
Use synonyms
 can
works
Change the verb form
work
show examples
 with
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
has
Correct pronoun usage
who has
show examples
register
Change the verb form
registered
show examples
 with the police. So,
that is
Linking Words
 why some think that request some
details
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 hand, many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are
anagry
Correct your spelling
angry
 to ask for
details
Use synonyms
 and
profile
Fix the agreement mistake
profiles
show examples
,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
shown
Change the form of the verb
show
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
show examples
 is no
needs
Fix the agreement mistake
need
show examples
 to do that because that
their
Add a missing verb
is their
show examples
 privacy.
Moreover
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, maybe they
do
Verb problem
have
show examples
 an accident
happened
Correct pronoun usage
that happened
show examples
from
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apply
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before and they are
the
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apply
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oppressed.
In
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addition
Add a comma
addition,
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 all
the
Correct article usage
apply
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humans
most
Correct your spelling
must
show examples
 be to do mistakes and they feel guilty and remorseful. For
this
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 why we should not blame.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
, after analysis of both points
Change preposition
of views
show examples
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
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, I believe that to request the
ceavil
Correct your spelling
civil
 ID and personal
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 even
it
Correct word choice
if it
show examples
 is private
details
Use synonyms
.

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organization
Make sure each paragraph centers around a single, clear idea to improve clarity and structure.
examples
Try to present examples that are more specific and directly related to the topic question.
development
It would be beneficial to expand on each viewpoint more thoroughly to give a clearer comprehensive response.
task
The essay covers both perspectives, providing arguments for each side as required by the task.
cohesion
A conclusion is effectively present which attempts to give a personal stance on the topic.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural fit
  • teamwork
  • marital status
  • stability
  • commitment potential
  • discrimination
  • bias
  • job performance
  • recruitment
  • holistic view
  • soft skills
  • personality traits
  • privacy invasion
  • job requirements
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