IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Changing peoples’
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 and too much convenience in Western countries have resulted in a significant increase of about 20% in the number of obese children. To turn it around, families have to be informed of the irreparable consequences and health-improving programs have to be implemented into school’s schedules. Nowadays, many families eat ready-made meals or different kinds of fast food
due to
Linking Words
 the fast-paced life most people are living. These foods are too high in calories and are too oily which results in making everybody especially kids fat. The other cause of kids’ obesity is being at too much ease and not moving even for games. Children are not as active as in the past. Their most favorable games are on technological devices and they don’t tend to step outside their houses even for shopping for food. They order it online. Some essential measures need to be taken to prevent the forthcoming disasters. Health and Treatment Institutes have to hold conferences and
also
Linking Words
 make advertisements to inform families of what disasters might happen in their children’s lives. Schools can affect kid’s
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
 dramatically. They can schedule some classes to increase their student’s awareness. They can
also
Linking Words
 have more P.E. classes included in their curriculum. In conclusion, it is crystal clear that in modern life
amongst
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Western countries, some factors have resulted in having more and more overweight children and some terrifying changes are happening. It is the government’s responsibility to ensure people’s health via every possible means to have a healthy community.
Submitted by faranakasadzadian on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Ensure your essay fully develops each point. The paragraph discussing solutions could be expanded with more specific strategies.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on enhancing the organization of ideas. Ensure each paragraph develops a single idea fully before moving to the next.
Task Achievement
Use more specific examples to support your points, adding depth to your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the issue and your stance, setting up the discussion effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
You offer a clear conclusion that summarizes your main points and reaffirms your stance on the topic.
Task Achievement
You address multiple causes and effects of the issue, showing a good grasp of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: