IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Children of ages 7-11 now spend more time watching television and/or playing video games than before. What are the effects of this on children, family and society? What are the possible solutions to this situation

#children #ages #time #television #video #games #effects #society #situation
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Nowadays, it is argued that some
part
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 of
celebrities
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 argue that their personal
life
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 should not
be inform
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be informed
show examples
 in the world;
however
Linking Words
, some
people
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 believe that their own
lives
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 like a
part
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 of their popularity.
Celebrities
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 are
also
Linking Words
 just human and they can live without
follow
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following
show examples
 the media.
However
Linking Words
, many
people
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 want to know everything about
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life
Add an article
the life
show examples
 of
celebrities
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 and believe that it is like a
part
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 of fame. In
this
Linking Words
essay
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essay,
show examples
 I will discuss both sides and give my own opinion. On the one hand, famous
people
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 a simple
man
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men
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 like everyone else and it is uncomfortable for them when
paparazzi
Correct article usage
the paparazzi
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tracks
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track
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 them. Paparazzi can take a photo of them or publish fake news about
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life
Add an article
the life
show examples
 of
celebrities
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 which they may not like.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many
people
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 can hate
celebrities
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 if they
heard
Wrong verb form
hear
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 something bad about their favorite
noted
Verb problem
apply
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people
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.
And
Correct word choice
This
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this
Linking Words
 can lead to bad consequences of
life
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 and
career
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careers
show examples
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 famous
people
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
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part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
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 of society believe that celebrity stalking
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is a
part
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 of their popularity and they become popular thanks to their own
lives
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. It is always interesting for
people
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 to know everything about
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life
Add an article
the life
show examples
 of their idol, they try to read a lot of information and
also
Linking Words
 follow their love
lives
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. Thanks to personal
life
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celebrities
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 stay famous for a long time.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they can increase their popularity from interesting events
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their
life
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 like
wedding
Fix the agreement mistake
weddings
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,
birth
Add an article
the birth
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 of a child, divorce or personal achievements. In my point of view, celebrity stalking
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
horrible as
celebrities
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 can be famous thanks to their personal talents and their love
lives
Use synonyms
 should not be published.
Submitted by halilova039 on

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Example
Add more specific examples to illustrate your points, such as citing real-life incidents or well-known celebrities.
Development
Try to develop each paragraph more fully by providing additional details and explanations for each point.
Cohesion
Work on more clearly linking ideas within paragraphs and between paragraphs for enhanced cohesion.
Understanding
The writer shows a good understanding of the topic by discussing both sides of the argument.
Structure
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the essay effectively.
Task Response
The essay addresses the task by covering effects on celebrities and public opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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