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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart
compare
Change the verb form
compares
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different
Correct article usage
the different
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 of
Australian
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men
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 and
women
Use synonyms
 who did
regular
Add an article
a regular
the regular
show examples
 physical
activity
Use synonyms
 in 2010. It is clear from the bar chart that
Australian
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men
Use synonyms
 do regular physical
activity
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 has a
decrease
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decreasing
show examples
 trend
under
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apply
show examples
,but the trend between 44 and 65 has consistently grown up as
men
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 get older.
By contrast
Linking Words
,the figure for
percentage
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the percentage
show examples
 of
Australian
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women
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 doing regular physical
activitysaw
Correct your spelling
activity saw
 a rise between 15 and 54.
However
Linking Words
 percentage of
Australian
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women
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 after 54,
until decline
Change preposition
declined
show examples
 to 65 and over. The bar chart shows that there is a gradual decrease in
men
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 who
regular
Add a missing verb
do regular
show examples
 physical
activity
Use synonyms
.About 52.8% of
men
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 aged 15 to 24 induce consistently to 35 to 44(39.5).
In addition
Linking Words
,the figure saw
a
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an
show examples
 increase
over
Change preposition
from
show examples
 35 to 44(39.5%) to 65 and over(46.7%).
By contrast
Linking Words
,
Australian
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women
Use synonyms
 who did regular physical
activity
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 saw a rise between
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
15 to 24(47.7%) and 45 to 53(53.3%).When
women
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 in older
age
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,there is a gradual fall between 45 to 54(53.3%) and 65 and over(47.1%).
Absoulty
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Absolute
,
men
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 and
women
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 are common in older
age
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.
Submitted by a0953957266 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "by contrast".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, australian, men, women, activity with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradual" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
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