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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is often clamied that women have achieved greater freedom and have access to the same oppurtunities as men.The pie charts below show some employment patterns in Korea.

It is often clamied that women have achieved greater freedom and have access to the same oppurtunities as men.The pie charts below show some employment patterns in Korea.
#women #freedom #access #oppurtunities #men #show #employment #patterns #korea
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The two pie charts below illustrate some employment motifs in Great Britain in 1992. The overwhelming majority of females and males choose non-manual
work
Use synonyms
 at least 69
percent
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, which has a big score on the female pie chart and just upper one-half in
male
Add an article
a male
the male
show examples
 pie chart. Females
work
Use synonyms
 at clerical or related
work
Use synonyms
 more
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
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male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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, and the figures were 31
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 and six
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percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, three
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of females
work
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 at craft or similar jobs,
whereas
Linking Words
 the males
work
Use synonyms
 at least 24
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, the most popular
work
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 among all people is managerial and professional jobs, which are almost equal to each other.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the general labourers and other manual
works
Replace the word
workers
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 are almost equal in
2
Correct article usage
the 2
show examples
charts.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "furthermore".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words work, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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