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Writing Samples
Band 5

The rising levels of traffic congestion in many big cities around the world can cause the decline in the quality of life in cities. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to solve them?

#levels #traffic #congestion #cities #world #decline #quality #life #measures
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Traffic
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 jams in big
cities
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 can have an imperative impact towards quality of life.
Although
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 it is easy to identify the root causes of that problem, some solutions can
also
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 be offered to address it. The first reason is a high tendency to
use
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 private
vehicles
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 because of the high mobility
that is
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 needed, especially among workers in big
cities
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. I have seen
this
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 phenomenon in metropolitan
cities
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 like
Jakarta
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, Bandung, or Surabaya, where
people
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 must run errands immediately from one place to another. Obviously, using scheduled public
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transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
 is not the solution since they must wait for a long time,
therefore
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people
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 decide to
use
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 private
vehicles
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. Another one is the undeniable fact that public
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transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
 can cost a lot of money compared to when
people
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 take their own
vehicles
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. Take,
for example
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, in Surakarta, the cost
for
Change preposition
of
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 using a public bus to go round-trip with 7
kilometres
Correct your spelling
7-kilometre
 distance is $1.50, which is almost doubled compared to when
people
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use
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 their own
motorcycle
Fix the agreement mistake
motorcycles
show examples
. The
last
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 reason is
due to
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 the low level of
security
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. In
Jakarta
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,
for example
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, women often receive sexual assault from irresponsible strangers
or
Correct word choice
and
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 negative
tragedy
Fix the agreement mistake
tragedies
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 like thief
also
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 prevalently
occurs
Correct subject-verb agreement
occur
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 in subways, which
causing
Wrong verb form
causes
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people
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 avoid to
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 public
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transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
. Those aforementioned conditions increase
traffic
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congestion
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, eventually, in my country.
Accordingly
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, there are some practical solutions that can be done to overcome the
traffic
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congestion
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 issue. The first one is to impose a ‘public transportation day’ in some critical regions.
This
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 policy has been implemented by the ex-governor of
Jakarta
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, Mr. Basuki Tjahja Purnama, back
then
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 in 2019. He made
Jakarta
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people
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use
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 public
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transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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even
Correct your spelling
event
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 dates, resulting in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 decreasing level of
traffic
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 mass
as well as
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improvement
Correct article usage
an improvement
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 in air quality.
Next,
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subsidising public transport with public taxes to decrease the tariff, has
also
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 been seen as an effective way to decrease the
congestion
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 level, which has been practically done in some
cities
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 in Indonesia, including my hometown.
Last
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,
to
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apply
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assign some
security
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 personnel
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 each public
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transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
, in order to increase
security
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 levels;
thus
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, it can
alleviate
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
 passengers from receiving or experiencing unwanted tragedies. In conclusion, the primary cause of
traffic
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congestion
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 is
because
Correct word choice
that
show examples
people
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 prefer to
use
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 their private
vehicles
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due to
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 several reasons
such
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 as
people
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’s high mobility, high public
transportation’s
Change noun form
transportation
show examples
 costs and
low
Add a hyphen
low-security
show examples
security
Use synonyms
 levels
while
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 being public’s passengers.
However
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, it can be addressed by imposing special regulations to
use
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 public
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transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
 for a day and a lower public
transport’s
Change noun form
transport
show examples
 fare, until assigning
security
Use synonyms
 officers to make
people
Use synonyms
 feel secure.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Aim for a balanced sentence length to enhance readability. Some sentences are slightly long and could be split for clarity, such as in the paragraph discussing the use of private vehicles.
task achievement
Be mindful of minor grammatical errors and phrasing. For example, 'causing people avoid' should be 'causing people to avoid.' These are not major issues but fixing them will ensure fluidity.
task achievement
You have clearly identified and elaborated on the causes of traffic congestion, showcasing a thorough understanding of the problem.
task achievement
You provided specific examples, such as referencing various cities, to support your points. This specificity strengthens your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical flow from the introduction through to the conclusion, making it easy to follow your train of thought.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main ideas and proposed solutions, leaving a strong final impression.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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