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Band 4

In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

#happiness #relationships #friends #colleagues #work #wealth #answers
Some say having personal happiness and good relations with family,friends and colleagues are
way
Rephrase
more
show examples
 crucial than work and wealth. I agree with the statement but nowadays
money
 is very important to survive.
According to
 my first point of view,
money
 plays a vital role in human life as nowadays it is the solution to most human problems. If people don't focus on their work they will end up with empty pockets and disappointment
as well as
 a feeling of being losers,
no
Change preposition
with no
show examples
 family, friends or surroundings people want to make
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 with poor people or losers and eventually, they will leave with depression and sorrow
instead
 of inner peace or good bonds. As an example, I can tell my own story that 2 years ago I had no job nor
money
 and all of my friends even my family members ignored me I didn't even exist in their lives,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was so upset and
then
 I got a job and saved some
money
 and learned
tattooing
Change the verb form
to tattoo
show examples
 and become a tattoo artist and earned fame and
money
 in a year and
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was surprised by getting calls and texts from the same person who made me felt me like
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
garbage sitting on a corner of
street
Add an article
the street
a street
show examples
. In conclusion, healthy relationships are necessary but the key is
money
, having
money
 gets you inner peace, happiness
as well as
 healthy relationships.
Submitted by shubhdeepkaur2 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction clearly sets out your position and outlines the essay's main points to guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
While your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, making them more explicit and distinct will strengthen your work.
task achievement
Develop the reasons behind your agree/disagree position thoroughly, providing more depth and clarity in explanation.
coherence cohesion
Link the story back to the main argument clearly to enhance coherence.
task achievement
Your essay contains a personal story that effectively supports your argument and makes the essay engaging.
task achievement
The main argument is clear, providing a good starting point for the essay's development.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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