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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity #information #features #comparisons
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The bar graph compares the proportions of the workouts,which
had been
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 followed by different
age
 groups
seperately
Correct your spelling
separately
 as the gender in the year 2010.
Overall
,it can be seen that women who were in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young adulthood and middle adulthood
tend
Wrong verb form
tended
show examples
 to
done
Change the form of the verb
do
show examples
more regular
exercies
Correct your spelling
exercise
exercises
 than men,
while
 men mostly activated in their
adolecent
Correct your spelling
adolescent
adolescence
, and after being
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
senior citizens.
To begin
 with,ladies who
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
belonged 15 to 24
age
 group associated
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 daily
phisical
Correct your spelling
physical
 chores with over 50%, and it was the highest rate among female
individulas
Correct your spelling
individuals
 ever:
while
 that of men
propotion
Correct your spelling
proportion
 stood at under
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
50%.
Then
, the
revese
Correct your spelling
reverse
 was true in terms of the other five
age
catogeries
Correct your spelling
categories
, and
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of the
age
Add a comma
age,
show examples
 25 gents tended to do more workouts than feminine.
Furthermore
,doing training sessions have been
decresed
Correct your spelling
decreased
 to below 40% in the
age
 35 to 44,
whereas
 that of
mens'
Change noun form
men's
show examples
 rate slightly increased by one-tenth.
Moreover
,
mens'
Change noun form
men's
show examples
 warm-up
unchanged
Add a missing verb
was unchanged
show examples
just
Change preposition
by just
show examples
 over half in the ages of 35 to 44,45 to 54, and 55 to 64 respectively, but the passion of
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 towards the daily dozen steadily increased roughly to 45% until
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
last
age
 panel.
In contrast
,when it comes to grey population passion,
Correct article usage
the liklihood
show examples
liklihood
Correct your spelling
likelihood
 of
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both genders
stable
Add a missing verb
is stable
show examples
nearly
Change preposition
at nearly
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
50%.
Submitted by ranpuluk on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Bar chart
  • Percentage
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participation
  • Age group
  • Trend
  • Significant
  • Notable
  • Gender gap
  • Comparative analysis
  • Consistent
  • Decline
  • Progressive
  • Conversely
  • Motivations
  • Barriers
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