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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant

The charts detail the proportion of Australian secondary school graduates who were unemployed, employed or further education in 1980, 1990, and 2000. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant
#detail #proportion #australian #school #graduates #education #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The pie charts above
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
 the proportion of high school graduates from Australia who were unemployed, employed, or
Linking Words
further
Change preposition
in further
show examples
 education in different
years
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that there is no
such
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
significant differentiation between the
years
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
1990 and 2000, which was in these two
years
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 who were employed
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 dominating.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in 1980,
people
Use synonyms
 who pursued
bachelor
Change noun form
bachelor's
show examples
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
 took a huge portion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in 1980, precisely 50 per
cent
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
concerned
Add a missing verb
were concerned
show examples
 about their education.
That is
Linking Words
 why the
percentage
Use synonyms
 was really big. Other portions
Change the verb form
were
show examples
was took
Change the verb form
was taken
show examples
 by unemployed
people
Use synonyms
 with
Use synonyms
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
 as many as 10 per
cent
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 and the other one is 40 per
cent
Use synonyms
 of employed workers.
Besides
Linking Words
 that, in 1990, the
percentage
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 who decided to take another degree was diminished to 38 per
cent
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, employed
people
Use synonyms
 had
Use synonyms
percentage
Correct article usage
a percentage
show examples
40
Change preposition
of 40
show examples
 per
cent
Use synonyms
. After that, unemployed
people
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
slightly increased to 12 per
cent
Use synonyms
 than 10
years
Use synonyms
 ago. In 2000,
people
Use synonyms
more
Add a missing verb
were more
show examples
 focused on work than education. The
percentage
Use synonyms
 of workers was climbed to 55 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Then
Linking Words
, 37 per
cent
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 chose to take
Linking Words
further
Add an article
a further
the further
show examples
 degree.
Lastly
Linking Words
, there was 8 per
cent
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who did not get work.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "further".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 75%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words years, people, cent, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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