IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people have argued that video games are a waste of time, and people should spend their time and money on better hobbies. Do the advantages of video games outweigh the disadvantages ?

#people #video #games #waste #time #money #hobbies
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There is no denying the fact that
video
games
 becoming
popualr
Correct your spelling
popular
 these days.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that some
people
advocating
Wrong verb form
advocate
show examples
 that
video
games
 are considered
waste
Add an article
a waste
show examples
 of
time
, there is
also
 an argument that
encouraging
Wrong verb form
encourages
show examples
 to spend
time
 and money on better hobbies.
this
 essay will analyze
this
 topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
To begin
 with,
video
games
 are not designed for a
sepcific
Correct your spelling
specific
 age
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 even elderly
people
 are
intersted
Correct your spelling
interested
 in playing
video
games
.
In other words
, various types of
people
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
video
games
such
 as shooting and
advanture
Correct your spelling
adventure
games
.
In addition
, there are some international events that allocate a huge budget for the development of
video
games
.
For example
, Saudi Arabia
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 an international
video
games
Fix the agreement mistake
game
show examples
 league with a massive prize for the winner. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand,
people
 who
considered
Wrong verb form
consider
show examples
video
games
 as a waste of
time
 and money believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hobbies must include some physical
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
activity
 to be beneficial. It is
also
 possible to say that, they think these
games
 destroy the brain cells and encourage young
people
 to act in
Correct article usage
a violence
show examples
violence
Replace the word
violent
show examples
 manner. For
inctance
Correct your spelling
instance
, shooting and hunting
games
 will teach them how to use different types of weapons to kill
people
 and animals. In conclusion, there is no easy answer to
this
 question. On balance,
however
, I tend to believe that spending spare
time
 on
video
games
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 beneficial, and we must give the utmost care
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the development of
video
Correct article usage
the video
show examples
games
 sector to
enhanse
Correct your spelling
enhance
 the
intertainment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 sector.
However
, various types of hobbies must
including
Wrong verb form
be included
show examples
 in your spare
time
 schedule to increase the development of your mental and physical skills.
Submitted by omima7a7md on

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task achievement
To improve the task response, aim to address the prompt more directly by clearly stating your stance in the introduction. This can be achieved by explicitly mentioning whether you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages and previewing your main points.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and develops one main idea. Use clear transitions between points and paragraphs to guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant examples, such as the international video games league in Saudi Arabia, which strengthen the argument about the increasing popularity and serious involvement in video games.
coherence cohesion
The essay effectively outlines both perspectives on video games, which demonstrates an understanding of the issue's complexity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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