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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#levels #post-school #qualifications #australia #proportion #men #women #information #features #comparisons
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The bar chart above depicts the various levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion between males and females in 1999.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that females were only dominating in two qualifications
while
Linking Words
 the rest was
dominating
Change the form of the verb
dominated
show examples
 by males.
First,
Linking Words
there
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 a big gap in skilled vocational
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
 between
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
. The percentage of
women
Use synonyms
just
Add a missing verb
was just
show examples
 about 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
while
Linking Words
 the
men
Use synonyms
 were 80 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in undergraduate
diploma
Fix the agreement mistake
diplomas
show examples
,
women
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a high percentage, which was 70 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 just around 35 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, in
bachelor's
Correct article usage
the bachelor's
show examples
 degree, the gap was not too far.
Women
Use synonyms
 and
men
Use synonyms
 had
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
 as many as 50 per
cent
Use synonyms
 and 45 per
cent
Use synonyms
, respectively.
Besides
Linking Words
 that, the average of females who took
postgraduate
Correct article usage
a postgraduate
show examples
 diploma was 30 per
cent
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, the
males
Correct quantifier usage
number of males
show examples
 was extremely higher to 70 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Last
Linking Words
, the girls were approximately 40 per
cent
Use synonyms
 who took
masters
Change noun form
master's
show examples
degree
Fix the agreement mistake
degrees
show examples
.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, the boys were 60 per
cent
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, cent with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "proportion" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Skilled vocational diploma
  • Undergraduate diploma
  • Bachelor’s degree
  • Postgraduate diploma
  • Master’s degree
  • Proportion
  • Gender disparities
  • Educational trends
  • Equal representation
  • Workforce demands
  • Societal norms
  • Significant equalities
  • Dominated by
  • Reflecting
  • Opportunities
  • Implications
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