IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behaviour
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Nowadays, the use of modern electronics
along with
 social media
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 become quite popular.
While
people
 argue that the fights and commotions shown
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
films and
games
 could negatively impact
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
,
People
,
on the other hand
, believe that it has no impact on their behaviours.
However
, In my opinion, showing violence does have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
negative consequences on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 because
people
 tend to narrate what they
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
witnessed
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
movies
 or video
games
 in real life. Showing disturbing
footages
Fix the agreement mistake
footage
show examples
 have contributed
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 increasing crime rates in
society
. They bring the actions
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 reality.
For example
: there was
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 incident that took place in India where a teenage boy was charged with
First degree
Add a hyphen
First-degree
show examples
 murder for killing his own neighbour
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
robbery
Correct article usage
a robbery
show examples
 case. On finding guilty, he confessed he got the idea from one of the
movies
 that he saw online. Even though
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the
film makers
Correct your spelling
film-makers
show examples
 include these disturbing acts to make it interesting, it has
counter
Add an article
a counter
show examples
 effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
However
,
On the other hand
, Some
people
 believe it is frictional and has no effect on
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 behaviour because most of the
movies
 involve fights and
actions scene
Fix the agreement mistake
action scenes
show examples
 for entertainment purposes only. But needless to say, it does impact
people
's behaviour.
Recent
Add an article
A recent
show examples
 study shows that 70% of the children who were actively engaged in action video
games
 were sleep fighting than regular gamers. It is indeed affecting the mental health slowly.
To sum up
, I believe that
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
show examples
 rate of violence in the
games
 and
movies
 does more harm than good.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should focus on limiting the disturbing acts because it is both consciously or subconsciously affecting the behaviour of
people
 in the
society
.
Submitted by gurungbijita92 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
What to do next:
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