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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people The charts below show the proportions of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, in 2000 and 2010.

Some people The charts below show the proportions of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, in 2000 and 2010.
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The charts
illustrates
Change the verb form
illustrate
show examples
 a percentage of British
students
Use synonyms
 at the current university in England, who
speaks
Correct subject-verb agreement
speak
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different
languages
Use synonyms
 except English, in 2000 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is explicit that
students
Use synonyms
, speaking Spanish only,
is
Verb problem
have
show examples
 the highest statistics and
also
Linking Words
 experienced a climb from 30% to 35%.
Besides
Linking Words
 other
remained
Wrong verb form
remaining
show examples
 data experienced almost the same amount of changes,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
increasing and decreasing
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
 5 - 10%, but the
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of individuals who speak
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
two
Use synonyms
 other
languages
Use synonyms
 stood stable
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 10%.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the
Use synonyms
students
Correct quantifier usage
number of students
show examples
 who can speak only in Spanish is 30%,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 the ones who can't speak in another language(except all mentioned ones) is
two
Use synonyms
 thirds(20%).
Firstly
Linking Words
, spoken
two
Use synonyms
 other
languages
Use synonyms
 and only German by
students
Use synonyms
,
also
Linking Words
 only French and
another
Replace the adjective
other
show examples
languages
Use synonyms
 were spoken equally, 10% and 15%, respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is shown that trends,
such
Linking Words
 as "Spanish only", "
Two
Use synonyms
 other
languages
Use synonyms
" and "
Another
Replace the adjective
Another language
Other languages
show examples
languages
Use synonyms
" rose up to 5
percents
Fix the agreement mistake
percent
show examples
: 35%, 15% and 20%, correspondingly. Meantime "French only", "German only" and "No other
languages
Use synonyms
"
stands
Correct subject-verb agreement
stand
show examples
 on the 10%, each.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also, firstly".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, languages, two with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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