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Band 4.5

Here is a sample IELTS question: Question: Some people believe that children should spend more time learning academic subjects like mathematics and science, while others think they should spend more time learning practical skills such as cooking and carpentry. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
A significant number of people assert that learners should invest more
time
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understanding
Change preposition
in understanding
show examples
 academic subjects like mathematics and science. Others,
however
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, argued that they should devote their
time
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learning
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to learning
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 usable
skills
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such
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 as cooking and carpentry.I strongly agree with the latter view as practical
skills
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 learning will train them since childhood and
this
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 will boost their confidence.
However
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, academic curriculum will help to enhance their theoretical knowledge and
this
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 will bound learners to follow the rules.
Body · 1
To commence with, many people said that spending maximum
time
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to learn
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learning
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 subjects
such
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 as mathematics, science, and history will benefit
children
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 in numerous ways.
Firstly
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,
this
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 pattern will enhance their theoretical knowledge which will help the students to generate some specific
skills
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such
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 as critical thinking, problem-solving
skills
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,
imagination
Correct word choice
and imagination
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skills
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, and nowadays these
skills
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plays
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play
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 a great role at
national
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the national
a national
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 level
as well as
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 on the global scale.
For example
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, in Canada almost every employer needs those
skills
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, in fact, they clearly mention them in their job requirements.
Moreover
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, utilizing
large
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a large
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 amount of
time
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 in institutions will promote discipline, and scholars will
bound
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be bound
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 to follow the disciplinary rules which will enhance
time
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 management
skills
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 and punctuality.
Body · 2
Conversely
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, critics argued that practical
skills
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 play a pivotal role in
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children
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children's
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life
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lives
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 and they said learners should devote all
the
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their
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time
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 to
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 these
skills
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. There is no doubt that live teaching will train
the
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apply
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children
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since
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from
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 childhood, and they can utilize their learning in
personal
Correct pronoun usage
their personal
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as well as
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in
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apply
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professional
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
For instance
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, a recent study found that students who know cooking are eating more healthy diets as compared to those who just study the recipes.
Additionally
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,
this
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 kind of practice will stand out
them
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apply
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from
crowd
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the crowd
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 and boost their confidence levels.
This
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 will help the students financially as well,
such
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 as through
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
carpenter
skills
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, one can make some money by making different wood items.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
this
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 is always a debatable issue and gained significant attention recently. Studying some specific subjects can
broader
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broaden
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 the knowledge with the enhancement of some particular
skills
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, and
also
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 make
children
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 more obedient.
However
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, I firmly believe that practical
skills
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 play a crucial role as
this
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 will equip scholars with live lessons,
moreover
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 with increased self-esteem
boost
Correct subject-verb agreement
boosts
show examples
 their personality.
Also
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,
this
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 can help them to make some money.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to maintain fluidity.
Task Achievement
Make sure to better elaborate on examples to fully illustrate your points.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the debate and presents a clear position.
Task Achievement
The conclusion concisely summarizes the main points and reaffirms your opinion.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion by examining both sides of the argument.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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