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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of workers in three sectors across four countries in 1980 and 2010.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the percentage of workers in three sectors across four countries in 1980 and 2010.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #percentage #workers #three #sectors #four #countries #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The par chart displays the proportions of
workers
Use synonyms
 in
Agriculture
Use synonyms
,
industry
Use synonyms
 and services in four nations in the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
years 1980 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, The
number
Use synonyms
 of
workers
Use synonyms
 in
industry
Use synonyms
 increased
while
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of people who work in the other sectors decreased.
Germany
Use synonyms
 was the
highes
Correct your spelling
highest
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of employees in
Use synonyms
industry
Correct article usage
the industry
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 field in both years
wheras
Correct your spelling
whereas
China
Use synonyms
 was the highest
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of individuals who
work
Wrong verb form
worked
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 in
agriculture
Use synonyms
. In 1980,
China
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 was the highest country in the
number
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 of
workers
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 in
agiculture
Correct your spelling
agriculture
 at nearly 70%. Japan, USA and
Germany
Use synonyms
 were the lowest in working in
agriculture
Use synonyms
 at approximately under 10%. All nations were above 40% in
Correct article usage
the idustry
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idustry
Correct your spelling
industry
 sector and
Germany
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 had the highest percentage at 60%, except
China
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 which was under 40%. The
number
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 of employees in all nations in
service
Correct article usage
the service
show examples
 field
were
Change the verb form
was
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 just above 40% except
Japan
Change preposition
for Japan
show examples
 which was almost 38%.
China
Use synonyms
's
workers
Use synonyms
 in
agriculture
Use synonyms
remaind
Correct your spelling
remained
remains
 the highest at
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2010
while
Linking Words
Germany
Use synonyms
 was the lowest at a tiny fraction.
Employeers
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Employers
Employees
 who work in
Use synonyms
industry
Add an article
the industry
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 grew in 2010 and
Germany
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 was the highest at just above 80%, and Japan was the second
highst
Correct your spelling
highest
 at just under 80%.
China
Use synonyms
 had the lowest
Use synonyms
workers
Correct quantifier usage
number of workers
show examples
 in
industry
Use synonyms
 at just 40%. The
number
Use synonyms
 of employees in
service
Correct article usage
the service
show examples
 field dropped
down
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in all countries in 2010. The highest nation was
Germany
Use synonyms
 at just 40% and
China
Use synonyms
 was the lowest at approximately just under the quarter.
Submitted by sam  on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words workers, agriculture, industry, number, germany, china with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • percentage
  • sector
  • distribution
  • dominance
  • decline
  • significant changes
  • employment
  • patterns
  • trends
  • global
  • compare
  • highlight
  • examine
  • identify
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