IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many parents are unhappy with the amount of violence in video games, television programmes, and other leisure activities for children. How harmful, in your opinion, could this be to children? What could be done to solve this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#parents #amount #violence #video #games #television #programmes #leisure #activities #children #be
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There is no denying the fact that there are some activities for children that might be harmful to them .
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that video
games
Use synonyms
 involve a huge amount of violence which makes many parents unhappy with it , there is
also
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 an argument that opposite it . In
this
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 essay, I am going to give you my opinion
as well as
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 how to solve
this
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 issue and the reasons for it .
To begin
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 with, it is normal that
kids
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 love to spend their time playing video
games
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 but it is not good when we let our
kids
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 play harmful
games
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 or let them watch bad television programmes because we are not aware of what they are doing.
In other words
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, majority of the parents
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
give their
kids
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 their own phones
in
Change preposition
at
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 a really young age which is totally wrong because those
kids
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 can watch or play really bad things . In terms of , What could we do to solve
this
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 problem, we can be more aware of what our children are doing
as well
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as
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 we must spend more time with them
therefore
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 they do not have to spend their time playing or watching , we can take them to the park occasionally so they can meet new people. In conclusion, I tend to believe that as long as we are taking care of our children in the right way even if they do play these
games
Use synonyms
 it will not be harmful to them.
Submitted by daliahmohsn9 on

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, ensure that you provide relevant examples to support your points. Examples from personal knowledge or experience can strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
For improved coherence and cohesion, consider using transition words effectively between sentences and paragraphs to avoid abrupt shifts in ideas.
task achievement
Work on detailing your ideas further. While you have expressed a clear opinion, elaborating your points with more specific evidence or examples would lead to a more comprehensive response.
introduction conclusion present
You have presented a clear introduction and conclusion, helping to frame your argument effectively.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your opinion on the issue is clearly stated, providing a direct response to the task question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • aggression
  • mental health
  • social interactions
  • inappropriate behavior
  • monitor
  • age-appropriate
  • educational institutions
  • critical thinking
  • stricter regulations
  • content ratings
  • enforce
  • alternative leisure activities
  • impact
  • exposure
What to do next:
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