IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Topic: employers sometimes ask people applying for personal information such as theirs hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both this views and give your own opinion.

#topic #employers #people #information #hobbies #interests
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In an interview, many questions may arise. When did you finish
studies
Correct pronoun usage
your studies
show examples
? How would your course relate to the
job
Use synonyms
 you are applying? How long have you been working? and even personal questions, like your hobbies, interests or even if you are married or single
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
 It may seem irrelevant but a
lot
Use synonyms
 of these things may tell something about a candidate. Hobbies and Interests could be considered the same, as these are things you do when you are free or maybe something that builds your character. You could have knitting as a hobby,
this
Linking Words
 could
show
Use synonyms
 your employer that you are creative and patient as knitting takes a
lot
Use synonyms
 of time and effort to perfect. You could be interested
to
Change the preposition
in
show examples
 animals, showing compassion and care to all
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of animals.
This
Linking Words
 would
show
Use synonyms
 your interviewer that you would care for the
job
Use synonyms
 that you are applying for.
Same
Correct article usage
The same
show examples
 goes,
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 being married or single. When married people are in an interview they tend to
show
Use synonyms
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of their traits as a husband or a wife. For husbands, their responsibility as the breadwinner and father of the household would
show
Use synonyms
 how they would manage their work. For wives, their role
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
,
taking
Correct word choice
and taking
show examples
 care
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 children,
Use synonyms
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
show examples
 how well they communicate and resolve problems inside the workplace. People
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are single
also
Linking Words
show
Use synonyms
 a different stance on
this
Linking Words
 topic, they could
show
Use synonyms
 how they could be passionate
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 finishing the
job
Use synonyms
 and not being distracted in their line of work. In the end, These aspects of a candidate
tells
Change the verb form
tell
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 about themselves and how they would act inside the
job
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
This
Correct determiner usage
These
show examples
 hobbies, interests or social status would relate
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 how cohesive they could be
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their co-workers and managers.
Submitted by rachelle.ann.roldan on

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task achievement
Consider expanding the conclusion to further restate the main points discussed in the essay and offer a clear stance or recommendation.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to use a variety of connecting words and phrases to enhance the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that it is fully developed with supporting details.
task achievement
Your response successfully addresses both views of the topic and provides a balanced discussion, which enhances task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical structure with clear paragraphs that divide the discussion into relevant sections, contributing to coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples that help illustrate your main points, which improves the engagement of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • employer
  • hiring process
  • company culture
  • team dynamics
  • candidate
  • personality traits
  • values
  • marital status
  • discrimination
  • bias
  • privacy
  • professional skills
  • abilities
  • subjective
  • experience
  • role
  • secondary consideration
What to do next:
Look at other essays: