IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Directors of large organizations have much higher salary than ordinary employees do. Some people think it's necessary, but others are on the opinion that it's unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#directors #organizations #salary #employees #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Ordinary employees
work
Use synonyms
hardly
Change the word
hard
show examples
 and they earn
lower
Correct word choice
less
show examples
 money than directors of large companies, and it can be unfair. On the one hand, directors establish companies for themselves, that’s why they can earn
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
 money in their careers.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 being
leader
Add an article
a leader
show examples
 requires a lot of responsibility because they should manage their workers and pay them well wages.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 film makers need many ideas and creativity to make 1 movie. After
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 they should find talented actors and teach them about their scenarios. After actors have done their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
, movie makers pay them high salaries.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 they can earn
higher
Correct word choice
more
show examples
 money.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, workers should be well paid because they do more physical
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
 builders. They carry
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
heavy concrete and they
work
Use synonyms
 day and night
then
Linking Words
 they sleep less.
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 they may have more working hours because If they do their
work
Use synonyms
 faster they can get paid faster.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
 they
work
Use synonyms
 harder to get well wages. In conclusion, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 Directors should have much
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
higher payment because they must pay wages
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 employees.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task achievement, provide a more balanced discussion of both views by including further examples and explanations. It's important to address all parts of the question comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence and cohesion by using more linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically to the next.
task achievement
Incorporate more specific examples that are directly related to large organizations rather than unrelated fields, such as film making. This will help to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Introduce your essay with a clearer statement of the topic and conclude with a stronger summary of your discussion and opinion. This will help tie your essay together more effectively.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion and attempts to discuss both views, which is a good approach to this task type.
language use
Some good vocabulary choices are made, such as 'require' and 'responsibility', which demonstrate a competent use of language.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: